[What A Day]([link removed])

Monday, April 15, 2024
BY JULIA CLAIRE & CROOKED MEDIA

- Fox News’s resident mathematician [Jesse Waters]([link removed]) talking about what amounts to a $41,600 salary before taxes

Iran launched an attack on Israel in response to Israel’s earlier strike on an Iranian consulate, as the Middle East lurched closer to an all-out regional war. The question now becomes how Israel will respond.

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[Iran’s retaliatory strike on Saturday brought the two countries’ long-running shadow conflict bursting into the light.]([link removed]) The move followed Israel’s April 1 airstrike on an Iranian diplomatic outpost in the Syrian capital of Damascus that killed two senior Iranian generals. Israeli officials said the Iranian attack included more than 300 missiles and drones, and the incident marks the first time Iran had launched a direct attack on Jerusalem. Yet despite the large show of firepower, the Iranian barrage did very little damage. Twenty-five of the 30 cruise missiles launched toward Israel were intercepted by Israeli fighter jets, and none were able to enter the country. Israel Defense Forces spokesperson Rear Adm. Daniel Hagari said a “few” of the nearly 120 ballistic missiles fired towards the country fell inside its borders, causing slight damage to infrastructure on the Nevatim Air Force Base, which remains fully operational. 

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The assault critically injured a 10-year-old girl, but caused no other casualties, according to Hagari. U.S. Secretary of Defense Lloyd Austin [said in a statement late Saturday]([link removed]) that the U.S. military shot down “dozens” of missiles headed for Israel from Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Yemen. The statement, in part, read: “We condemn these reckless and unprecedented attacks by Iran and its proxies, and we call on Iran to immediately halt any further attacks, including from its proxy forces, and to de-escalate tensions. We do not seek conflict with Iran, but we will not hesitate to act to protect our forces and support the defense of Israel.”

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Iran issued a statement saying that its military action was in response to the Israeli airstrike in Damascus, and said that Tehran now considers the matter “concluded.” President Biden spoke to Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and reaffirmed the United States’ Commitment to Israeli Security. [However, Biden told Netanyahu that the United States would not participate in any Israeli counter-offensive against Iran]([link removed]), multiple outlets reported citing unnamed U.S. officials. Biden said he told the Prime Minister that Israel has “demonstrated a remarkable capacity to defend itself.” [Israel’s war cabinet weighed its response to the attack on Monday.]([link removed])  

A chorus of international leaders [urged Israel to proceed with restraint]([link removed]). United Nations Secretary-General António Guterres said it was time to “step back from the brink” of further escalation in the region as tensions remain white-hot. On Monday evening, [four U.S. officials told NBC News]([link removed]) that they expect an Israeli military response to be limited in scope and involve strikes against Iranian military forces and Iranian-backed proxies outside of the country.

[What A Day]([link removed])

In the mood for unexpectedly sore abs from laughing too hard? Tune into Lovett or Leave It’s mini series, What A Weekday. Every Tuesday, Jon Lovett sits down with Crooked staffers to make fun of the latest news to come out of our insane political nightmare factory: cue Trump pretending he won't sign a National Abortion Ban! You can catch What A Weekday and a bunch of other exclusive content on [Lovett or Leave It’s YouTube channel]([link removed]). 

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The Supreme Court announced on Monday that it would not hear Mckesson vs. Doe, leaving in place a lower court decision that effectively eliminates the right to mass protest in three states: Louisiana, Mississippi, and Texas. The lower court decision ruled that a protest organizer is liable for potentially life-ruining financial consequences if even one attendee at a mass protest breaks the law. The Court did not embrace—but crucially, nor did it reverse—the Fifth Circuit decision attacking the First Amendment right to protest. It’s one step further to what Crooked contributor [Max Fisher calls]([link removed]) “state-level electoral autocracy” that’s advanced in the United States with frightening speed. 

The right-wing Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals represents the three aforementioned states, and is overseen by ultra right-wing Supreme Court Justice Samuel Alito. Black Lives Matter activist (and host of Crooked’s [Pod Save the People]([link removed])) DeRay Mckesson organized a protest near a Baton Rouge, LA police station in 2016 after the fatal police shooting of Alton Sterling, and the Fifth Circuit has been on something of a myopic crusade against him ever since. At the 2016 protest, an unknown individual threw an unidentified rock-like object at a police officer (identified in official documents only as “Officer John Doe”) and suffered head, tooth, jaw, and brain injuries. The Fifth Circuit’s ruling could make protest organizers liable for what dissenting Fifth Circuit Judge Don Willett called the “unlawful acts of counter-protesters and agitators.” In layman's terms: a progressive organizer like Mckesson could also be held financially responsible if a MAGA chud shows up and breaks the law. It’s a disastrous ruling all-around, overtly meant to suppress any left-leaning protests in three deep-red states.  

[Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas was MIA from session on Monday with no explanation]([link removed]). Talk about job security!

[The White House announced on Monday it opposes a standalone bill funding Israel]([link removed]) without the inclusion of funding for Taiwan and Ukraine. 

[GOP House Speaker Mike Johnson said on Monday he plans to advance the heavily-stalled national security spending package]([link removed]) to aid Israel, Taiwan, Ukraine, and other U.S. allies in the lower chamber this week.

[Tesla laid off more than 10 percent of its global workforce]([link removed]) as sales continue to fall. Maybe they should consider not having an erratic billionaire who won’t stop saying the dumbest shit imaginable as CEO. Just a thought!

[The FBI has opened a criminal investigation into the devastating collision of a container ship into Baltimore’s Francis Scott Key Bridge]([link removed]) that brought down the pivotal structure last month, the Washington Post reported, citing two U.S. officials. Republicans are crossing their fingers that the investigation will prove their theory that the driver of the container ship was a DEI initiative wearing a monocle. 

[Many of the world’s coral reefs turned a sickly shade of white in what scientists are calling the fourth “global bleaching event”]([link removed]) of the past thirty years. Bleaching is triggered by water temperature anomalies, and [ocean-surface temperatures have been breaking records]([link removed]) for over a year.

Like many other terrible presidents before him (looking at you, George W. Bush) [Trump is enjoying a “nostalgia bump” in public opinion]([link removed]). To those members of the public, we ask: Have you recently suffered a traumatic brain injury?

The first criminal prosecution of a former U.S. president began in Manhattan on Monday. And you’ll never guess which former president it was!! Disgraced former president [Donald Trump appeared in a Manhattan courtroom on Monday as prospective jurors were questioned]([link removed]), and dozens more were dismissed after it was determined that they could not be impartial. Trump appeared to nod off at times, closing his eyes as his defense attorneys and state prosecutors sparred over preliminary matters. But he watched closely as prospective jurors were questioned. The trial will not be televised, and photos from inside the courthouse are only permitted before official court proceedings begin. As he left the courthouse, Trump gave a perfunctory “It’s a political witch hunt,” [statement to reporters]([link removed]) waiting outside. Jury selection will continue on Tuesday.

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Disgraced former congressman [George Santos keeps threatening a political comeback, but can’t raise any money]([link removed]). We assume he will try again soon but this time wearing a fake mustache. 

College basketball superstar [Caitlin Clark was the number one overall pick at the WNBA draft on Monday night]([link removed]), and was selected by the Indiana Fever. 

[What A Day]([link removed])

[You Survived Today. See You Thursday.]([link removed])

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