Why Dark, Embarrassing Thoughts Randomly Pop Into Your Head
Fatherly
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Jul 25, 2022
Maybe you’re talking with your spouse. Or friend. Or brother. Or colleague.
Whoever it is, you know that no matter how carefully you say something, the
words won’t get through. They’re just so damn defensive
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You want to scream, “It’s not a personal attack!” or “I’m just trying to have a
conversation!” Mostly, you want to ask, “Can you just stop being so defensive?”
Here’s the thing: No, they probably can’t. It’s right there in the word. They’re
defending. It implies there’s a threat. It could be you, but just as likely your
words are triggering something deep-seated. So, what can you do when talking to
someone who always gets defensive? Turn up your empathy and turn down your
assumptions.
ADVICE
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The Secret to Talking to Someone Who Always Gets Defensive
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It can be an extremely frustrating experience. But there are ways to sidestep
someone's personal fortifications.
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read this story
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Two Clear Signs You’re Being Defensive
01
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Labeling Labeling happens when a person tries to state their position and you
simply reduce their behavior to labels, saying something along the lines of
“You’re just being mean” or “Stop being unreasonable.” It’s also common for
defensive people to assign labels to themselves as a way of deflecting. These
labels, which distract from the issue at hand, can sound like “Well, I guess I’m
just a lousy partner and everything is my fault.”
How to Avoid It: “How can you label when you don’t have clear evidence?” says
Phillips. “Try breathing and remove it from your thoughts. Close your eyes and
think of the labels as words on a chalkboard and erase them.”
01
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Doubling Down When You’re Wrong So, you had an argument and realized your stance
was incorrect. Regardless, you continue to argue your point, thus completely
defeating the purpose of the discussion and fueling further disagreement. “I see
this a lot in my divorce coaching practice,” says DuBois. “You ‘double down’
even if your perspective is patently false.”
How to Avoid It: No one likes to be wrong, and no one likes to be proven wrong.
But, if your partner presents clear evidence as to why your position is
incorrect, it will go a long way if you just own it and move on.
further reading 7 Big Signs You’re Being Defensive
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How To Let Go Of Resentment Once And For All
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9 Phrases That Make You Sound Like a Passive-Aggressive Jerk
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FINANCES
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Everything You Can Do To Lessen The Sting of High Interest Rates
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Rising rates certainly pose challenges. But they also offer unique
opportunities to save.
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read this story
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SUPPORT NETWORK
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12 Thoughtful Texts To Send A Stressed Out Partner
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When your significant other is dealing with considerable stress, these
messages of support may just be what they need to read.
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read this story
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SELF
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Why Dark, Embarrassing Thoughts Randomly Pop Into Your Head
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Intrusive thoughts are extremely common. This is why they occur and what to do
about them.
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read this story
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DRINKS
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6 Lemonade Cocktails To Enjoy On Seriously Hot Summer Days
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Sweet, tart, and seriously refreshing, these drinks are ideal for sweltering
afternoons.
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read this story
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MOVIES
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Three Hardcore R-Rated Marvel Movies Are Now On Disney+
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Time to check those parental controls
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read this story
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The Fidelity® Youth Account can only be opened by a parent/guardian. Account
eligibility is limited to teens aged 13-17.
Investing involves risk, including risk of loss.
1.Limited Time Offer. Terms Apply. Before opening a Fidelity Youth Account, you
should carefully read the account agreement and ensure that you fully understand
your responsibilities to monitor and supervise your teen's activity in the
account.
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