Fatherly
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Jun 14, 2022
In Dr. John Gottman’s research on relationships, he found that there are two
types of problems that couples face: perpetual and solvable. Solvable problems
tend to be about tasks — how do we want to clean the house? Which school do we
send our kids to? How do we decide together to save money? Perpetual problems,
on the other hand, tend to be about philosophy — how should people clean their
homes? Which schools should people send their kids to? How should people spend
money? When couples get stuck on proving who has the correct philosophy
regarding an issue, rather than figuring out solutions that work for both of
them, as therapist Elizabeth Earnshaw writes, they become gridlocked. Here’s
what it takes to move forward.
LOVE
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You Want to Decompress. Your Partner Wants to Be Productive. Another Fight
Ensues.
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It’s easy to butt heads again and again about how your partner spends their
downtime. Here’s how to get a handle on the arguments.
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READ THIS STORY
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When couples get stuck on proving who has the correct philosophy regarding an
issue, rather than figuring out solutions that work for both of them, they
become gridlocked.
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FURTHER READING How to Solve The “Why Didn’t You Just Ask?” Argument Once and
For All
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The ‘You Never Want to Have Sex!’ Fight Is Really About Something More
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How to Rebuild Intimacy In Your Marriage
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ADVICE
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Need Your Partner to Make a Big Change? Here’s the Best Way to Ask Them.
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We're not saying it will be easy. But there is a best way to go about asking
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READ THIS STORY
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FROM OUR FRIENDS
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Get smarter about your money
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If your goal is to become an overnight millionaire by betting on the next meme
stock...sorry, we can't help you. But if you're looking to build long-term
wealth in a sustainable way, check out Money Scoop. It's a personal finance
newsletter that makes you smarter about your money. You'll learn how to better
invest, budget, spend, manage your taxes, and much more.
Subscribe for free
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RELATIONSHIPS
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Are You Doing Enough to Help With “Emotional Labor”?
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Is the invisible work split fairly?
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READ THIS STORY
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Two Big Questions to Ask About The Mental Load In Your Relationship
01
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Do I Have a Sense of the Contribution My Partner Makes? Bearing the mental load
means being the person in the relationship who’s constantly remembering to
remember. And it often falls on women in relationships to be the one doing the
remembering: keeping track of birthdays, the last name of friends, where the
spatula might have gone. So, it’s crucial to ask yourself — especially if you’re
the one working eight hours a day — if you truly recognize how much your partner
is doing. “By asking yourself this question, it’s an opportunity for humility on
so many different levels,” says relationship coach Marie Murphy.
01
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Am I Doing My Share? Once you realize the amount of work it takes to keep a
household running, take stock of the chores and ask yourself where you fall when
it comes to contributing to them. Write down everything that needs to get done
and find places where you can contribute. Or write down what you currently do
and what your partner currently does. This might seem like asking for a fight.
But this isn’t about I-told-you-so’s. This is about recognizing imbalances that
might exist and finding ways to handle them. It’s about being a better partner.
FURTHER READING My Husband Is a Good Man. But at Home, He Acts Like a Clueless
Intern.
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How to Truly Share The Mental Load
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How to Let Go of Resentment Once and For All
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RELATIONSHIPS
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How to Make Better Joint Decisions With Your Partner
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Decisions can be tough to make as a team. This is how to sidestep the most
common — and frustrating — parts of the process and come together as a unit.
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READ THIS STORY
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