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A MODEST PROPOSAL –FROM THE ALLIGATORS  
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Joseph G. Ramsey

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_ A modern tale in the spirit of Jonathan Swift _

Homeland Security Thinks This is Cute, (source: Trinity Washington
University)

 

To:       Everglades Detention Center

            U.S. Department of Homeland Security

CC:       Florida Governor Ron DeSantis

POTUS Donald J. Trump

Dear Neighbors,

We write to express our concerns regarding the facility recently
erected in our backyard: your so-called “Alligator Alcatraz.”

As of yet, we Alligators have given NO PERMISSION OR ENDORSEMENT for
this scheme bearing our name and image.

Let us assure you: our chief objections are not ‘MORAL’ or
‘LEGAL’—they do not concern ‘_suffering’_ nor any alleged
violations of ‘_rights_.’

Our concerns are GASTROINTESTINAL: 

These people you’ve penned have flesh far too tough, wiry, and
stringy. Many of their bodies are hardened by _years of physical
toil_: bending, picking, planting, scrubbing, hoisting boxes, busing
tables, frying food, painting houses, banging nails on rooftops,
laying brick and blacktop in summer heat, chopping carcasses in frigid
factories.  The flesh of such creatures is sure to get stuck in our
throats.  (And from what we’ve seen in L.A., they are liable to
_KICK_.)

To make such flesh fit to eat, they must be TENDERIZED.

We’ve thus observed with interest certain refinements to your
carcass-preparation camp: how you place these people into crowded
cells where they can barely move.  Yes, packing them so closely
together—in cages of 20 or 30—immobilizes their bodies, gradually
letting muscles soften, for smoother digestions.  (We see that you
humans have a similar process in place for the preparation of
delicacies, such as _veal tenderloin_.)  The process, however, takes
time.  Please refrain from sending us further allotments until you
FINISH THE JOB.  As an added bonus: _isolation_—denying access to
family, friends, lawyers, or news from the outside world—helps to
drain the fight out of them.

With such prolongation, however, come risks of SPOILAGE:

Some captives have withered to little but skin and bone.  They walked
thousands of miles to reach your land, subsisting on tortillas and
water.  After arriving, many skipped meals so that their offspring
might eat better.  (May we ask where you store those succulent
_CHILDREN_?)  Even healthy arrivals, now long imprisoned, are wasting
away.  Please improve the feeding conditions in-camp immediately,
lest the remaining prisoners no longer be worth the work of cracking
their necks. 

Two other classes of dish we find unpalatable: Those who have grown
_dehydrated_ from the Everglades heat, and those whose flesh has lost
its flavor due to _too much weeping_.  Such salty discharge leaves
the meat bland.  Please plug these leaks.  Also, water to drink not
from a toilet bowl might help with hydration.

We confess that, for a minority among us, our food inspections have
caused an odd drip…of… _feeling_?  A few ‘heart bleeders’,
upon learning of these creatures’ lives from your swamp-dropped
‘smart phones,’ or from listening to the midnight sobbing, have
come to claim they feel a pang for “_HUMANITY_.”  We told them it
was probably _GAS_, yet they persist. 

(For a time, we were ALL confused about this “Humanity,” having
heard you say over and over that _these_ people are “aliens.”  We
perked up reading the Tweets:  Would imported “aliens” taste
different than the familiar wayward Floridian? It is clear to us now.
They don’t.  They may speak different languages, but their _tongues
_taste the same: HUMAN.)

These gassy gators best be fed soon. “AI” has taught them that
these people you bring are _not_ the ones that need to be eaten. 
That it is not _They_ who have poisoned our water supply or invaded
our swamp.  They say NO MIGRANT has hunted us by boat, or chopped up
our kids to make a pair of _cowboy boots_.  

A few go so far as to propose that we scale the walls of Alcatraz and
turn our jaws loose, NOT on the prisoners—but on YOU, guards and
commanding officers, alike.  (We DO make great climbers, a trait we
share with some of these scrappy human ‘border crossers.’ Leaping
fences to reach a meal, in our view, is nothing to be ashamed of.)  

Nonetheless, THE MAJORITY REMAINS OPEN to your proposition. Meaty fish
and frogs are growing harder to find. Times are tough for a gator.

Still, we MUST insist that if you are to send human flesh our way, it
SHOULD BE JUICIER and BETTER NOURISHED.  We suggest starting with
_those who live off the work of OTHERS_.  “AI” informs us that
you have an ABUNDANCE of such people, protected from hard labor, yet
_imbibing the very best_ carrion your ‘civilization’ has to offer.
There are some 7 and a half million MULTI-MILLIONAIRES in your
country, sitting on a pile of 26.1 TRILLION human dollars!  We
understand that they receive regular health inspections, and have
heard that their daily intake makes their blood taste like what you
humans might call: “MAPLE SYRUP.”  Send us more of _THOSE_
PEOPLE.

Also, we recently learned that there are boatloads of plump jobless
“citizens” about to be tossed from PUBLICLY FUNDED LIFE RAFTS. 
Don’t leave these castoffs to drown. Let us SWALLOW them WHOLE.

To conclude with a few specific requests:

KRISTI NOEM MUST be ours.  We follow her on Instagram and glimpsed
her impressive teeth when she stopped by for Selfies: smiling ear to
ear as the tired, poor, huddled masses behind her begged, cried, and
cursed.  It was BEAUTIFUL!  We saw that reptile gleam in her eye,
and we confess: were SMITTEN.  Some wish to extend her an invitation
to join us.  (Imagine the race of SUPERPREDATORS we could breed!)
Others, more focused on the short term, contend her chewy Botox face
would pair exquisitely with the crisp crackle of her Rolex watch.
 Clearly though, for either use, Kristi is too thin and will need
some FATTENING UP.  Perhaps a private supply of migrant carcasses can
be set aside for the purpose?

In terms of local fare, RANDY FINE (FL-R) is a juicy prime suit of
blubber. Sitting on the House Committee on _Education and Work_, he
has obviously avoided BOTH and will melt in the mouth.  We hear
nearby MAR-A-LAGO is stocked with tender secret delights?  And
overpriced ICE AGENT BEEF, as it turns out, is not so tough; please
remove bullet-proof vests before serving.

If shipments from D.C. are still available, the DEMOCRATIC
CONGRESSIONAL LEADERSHIP should go down with a slurp. They appear to
be invertebrates.

Finally, we would like to thank GOVERNOR RON DESANTIS for his
pathbreaking education reforms, which are sure to keep pliable human
locals in fresh supply.

GASTRONOMICALLY concerned,

In flesh we trust,

THE ALLIGATORS

(Signed with our teeth)

P.S If you cannot meet our specifications within two weeks’ time, we
hereby demand that you immediately remove all alligator likeness from
merchandise associated with your concentration camp.

P.P.S.  Stephen Miller appears to be a python who has lost his way.
Please send him back.

_JOSEPH G. RAMSEY is an educator, organizer, scholar, toddler parent,
and social critic, residing in the Greater Boston area. Joe's new
collection of poems, Rhymes Against Ruins, is available from Fomite
Press, [link removed]. 
His research focus is the lost 'critical communism' of Richard
Wright, whose own still-unpublished "Modest Proposal" helped to
inspire this piece. [email protected]_

Thanks to the author for submitting this to xxxxxx

* Alligator Alcatraz
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* political satire
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* social cruelty
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