To: Everglades Detention Center
U.S. Department of Homeland Security
CC: Florida Governor Ron DeSantis
POTUS Donald J. Trump
Dear Neighbors,
We write to express our concerns regarding the facility recently erected in our backyard: your so-called “Alligator Alcatraz.”
As of yet, we Alligators have given NO PERMISSION OR ENDORSEMENT for this scheme bearing our name and image.
Let us assure you: our chief objections are not ‘MORAL’ or ‘LEGAL’—they do not concern ‘suffering’ nor any alleged violations of ‘rights.’
Our concerns are GASTROINTESTINAL:
These people you’ve penned have flesh far too tough, wiry, and stringy. Many of their bodies are hardened by years of physical toil: bending, picking, planting, scrubbing, hoisting boxes, busing tables, frying food, painting houses, banging nails on rooftops, laying brick and blacktop in summer heat, chopping carcasses in frigid factories. The flesh of such creatures is sure to get stuck in our throats. (And from what we’ve seen in L.A., they are liable to KICK.)
To make such flesh fit to eat, they must be TENDERIZED.
We’ve thus observed with interest certain refinements to your carcass-preparation camp: how you place these people into crowded cells where they can barely move. Yes, packing them so closely together—in cages of 20 or 30—immobilizes their bodies, gradually letting muscles soften, for smoother digestions. (We see that you humans have a similar process in place for the preparation of delicacies, such as veal tenderloin.) The process, however, takes time. Please refrain from sending us further allotments until you FINISH THE JOB. As an added bonus: isolation—denying access to family, friends, lawyers, or news from the outside world—helps to drain the fight out of them.
With such prolongation, however, come risks of SPOILAGE:
Some captives have withered to little but skin and bone. They walked thousands of miles to reach your land, subsisting on tortillas and water. After arriving, many skipped meals so that their offspring might eat better. (May we ask where you store those succulent CHILDREN?) Even healthy arrivals, now long imprisoned, are wasting away. Please improve the feeding conditions in-camp immediately, lest the remaining prisoners no longer be worth the work of cracking their necks.
Two other classes of dish we find unpalatable: Those who have grown dehydrated from the Everglades heat, and those whose flesh has lost its flavor due to too much weeping. Such salty discharge leaves the meat bland. Please plug these leaks. Also, water to drink not from a toilet bowl might help with hydration.
We confess that, for a minority among us, our food inspections have caused an odd drip…of… feeling? A few ‘heart bleeders’, upon learning of these creatures’ lives from your swamp-dropped ‘smart phones,’ or from listening to the midnight sobbing, have come to claim they feel a pang for “HUMANITY.” We told them it was probably GAS, yet they persist.
(For a time, we were ALL confused about this “Humanity,” having heard you say over and over that these people are “aliens.” We perked up reading the Tweets: Would imported “aliens” taste different than the familiar wayward Floridian? It is clear to us now. They don’t. They may speak different languages, but their tongues taste the same: HUMAN.)
These gassy gators best be fed soon. “AI” has taught them that these people you bring are not the ones that need to be eaten. That it is not They who have poisoned our water supply or invaded our swamp. They say NO MIGRANT has hunted us by boat, or chopped up our kids to make a pair of cowboy boots.
A few go so far as to propose that we scale the walls of Alcatraz and turn our jaws loose, NOT on the prisoners—but on YOU, guards and commanding officers, alike. (We DO make great climbers, a trait we share with some of these scrappy human ‘border crossers.’ Leaping fences to reach a meal, in our view, is nothing to be ashamed of.)
Nonetheless, THE MAJORITY REMAINS OPEN to your proposition. Meaty fish and frogs are growing harder to find. Times are tough for a gator.
Still, we MUST insist that if you are to send human flesh our way, it SHOULD BE JUICIER and BETTER NOURISHED. We suggest starting with those who live off the work of OTHERS. “AI” informs us that you have an ABUNDANCE of such people, protected from hard labor, yet imbibing the very best carrion your ‘civilization’ has to offer. There are some 7 and a half million MULTI-MILLIONAIRES in your country, sitting on a pile of 26.1 TRILLION human dollars! We understand that they receive regular health inspections, and have heard that their daily intake makes their blood taste like what you humans might call: “MAPLE SYRUP.” Send us more of THOSE PEOPLE.
Also, we recently learned that there are boatloads of plump jobless “citizens” about to be tossed from PUBLICLY FUNDED LIFE RAFTS. Don’t leave these castoffs to drown. Let us SWALLOW them WHOLE.
To conclude with a few specific requests:
Kristi Noem MUST be ours. We follow her on Instagram and glimpsed her impressive teeth when she stopped by for Selfies: smiling ear to ear as the tired, poor, huddled masses behind her begged, cried, and cursed. It was BEAUTIFUL! We saw that reptile gleam in her eye, and we confess: were SMITTEN. Some wish to extend her an invitation to join us. (Imagine the race of SUPERPREDATORS we could breed!) Others, more focused on the short term, contend her chewy Botox face would pair exquisitely with the crisp crackle of her Rolex watch. Clearly though, for either use, Kristi is too thin and will need some FATTENING UP. Perhaps a private supply of migrant carcasses can be set aside for the purpose?
In terms of local fare, Randy Fine (FL-R) is a juicy prime suit of blubber. Sitting on the House Committee on Education and Work, he has obviously avoided BOTH and will melt in the mouth. We hear nearby Mar-a-Lago is stocked with tender secret delights? And overpriced ICE agent beef, as it turns out, is not so tough; please remove bullet-proof vests before serving.
If shipments from D.C. are still available, the Democratic Congressional Leadership should go down with a slurp. They appear to be invertebrates.
Finally, we would like to thank Governor Ron DeSantis for his pathbreaking education reforms, which are sure to keep pliable human locals in fresh supply.
GASTRONOMICALLY concerned,
In flesh we trust,
THE ALLIGATORS
(Signed with our teeth)
P.S If you cannot meet our specifications within two weeks’ time, we hereby demand that you immediately remove all alligator likeness from merchandise associated with your concentration camp.
P.P.S. Stephen Miller appears to be a python who has lost his way. Please send him back.
Joseph G. Ramsey is an educator, organizer, scholar, toddler parent, and social critic, residing in the Greater Boston area. Joe's new collection of poems, Rhymes Against Ruins, is available from Fomite Press, https://bookshop.org/p/books/rhymes-against-ruins-joseph-g-ramsey/22763983. His research focus is the lost 'critical communism' of Richard Wright, whose own still-unpublished "Modest Proposal" helped to inspire this piece. [email protected]
Thanks to the author for submitting this to xxxxxx
