John, it’s me, your neighborhood good Ol' Boy Chuck.
I’m worried.
Our online fundraising has taken a huge hit since I sold out the
Democratic Party and our constituents on Friday. We spent most of our
funds paying the PR team that secured me various TV spots, where I made
circular arguments about why my cowardice is actually a winning strategy.
[ [link removed] ]Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
I need to replenish my funds to prepare for the fights ahead. My
understanding is that effective leaders may try to primary me. Can’t have
that. While I may not be interested in fighting for the people, I will
fight anyone who tries to unseat me tooth and nail.
[ [link removed] ]Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
Top-down, out-of-touch leadership is exactly what got us to this moment,
so that’s the strategy that I’m going to stick with in these tough times.
Joining me in that are the Senators who also caved to pressure and
abandoned the people they swore to represent. For every one of us who sold
out, there are countless fighters ready to take their place, so we must be
vigilant and box them out.
[ [link removed] ]Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
People are pledging not to give us any more donations, simply because we
aren’t doing our jobs! Outrageous! In any case, we are behind on our
fundraising goals for this month so please, if you can, pitch in any
meaningful amount you can spare before midnight tomorrow to get us back on
track.
[ [link removed] ]Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
- Sellout Schumer
P.S. This email is a parody… and also, the truth.
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