John, it’s me, your neighborhood good Ol' Boy Chuck.
I’m worried.
Our online fundraising has taken a huge hit since I sold out the Democratic Party and our constituents on Friday. We spent most of our funds paying the PR team that secured me various TV spots, where I made circular arguments about why my cowardice is actually a winning strategy.
Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
I need to replenish my funds to prepare for the fights ahead. My understanding is that effective leaders may try to primary me. Can’t have that. While I may not be interested in fighting for the people, I will fight anyone who tries to unseat me tooth and nail.
Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
Top-down, out-of-touch leadership is exactly what got us to this moment, so that’s the strategy that I’m going to stick with in these tough times. Joining me in that are the Senators who also caved to pressure and abandoned the people they swore to represent. For every one of us who sold out, there are countless fighters ready to take their place, so we must be vigilant and box them out.
Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
People are pledging not to give us any more donations, simply because we aren’t doing our jobs! Outrageous! In any case, we are behind on our fundraising goals for this month so please, if you can, pitch in any meaningful amount you can spare before midnight tomorrow to get us back on track.
Click here to pledge: Not one more dollar to sellout Senators.
- Sellout Schumer
P.S. This email is a parody… and also, the truth.
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