America’s Next Top Kyle Rittenhouse

Monday, May 15, 2023
BY NICK TURNER & CROOKED MEDIA

- Gov. Ron DeSantis (R-FL) ([link removed]) , on his state's education agenda

Ukraine is fighting a war for its survival and it’s getting a lot of help from the riled West.
* President Volodymyr Zelensky took his roadies on tour in Europe this weekend and got pledges of more, more, more. Rivaling the schedule of The Amazing Race, Zelensky hit up Rome, Paris, Berlin, and London all this past weekend ([link removed]) . He met with leaders in each country who pledged more and continued support of Ukraine in its war against the unluckiest men of Russia. The U.K. pledged new long-range drones ([link removed]) , and France will train and equip several battalions with armored vehicles and light tanks. The new long-range drones will supplement a haul of Western arms for a counteroffensive against Russian invaders.

* Previously unreported U.S. intelligence documents from the Discord leaks reveal that top Wagner Group mercenary Yevgeniy Prigozhin offered to supply Ukraine with the locations of Russian troops if they agreed to back off of Bakhmut ([link removed]) , where the Wagner fighters were suffering huge losses. Prigozhin has long maintained that the Russian Defense Ministry has not given his fighters the ammunition and other resources they need to succeed. It's incredible that Putin and Prigozhin still seem to be friends but it means that Prigozhin is simply too important to push out of a window like his other enemies. ([link removed]) But guess what, assholes? Even though the deal was never made, Ukraine is winning in Bakhmut now anyway ([link removed]) . Russia has even acknowledged that
its forces have fallen back.

* Now that Ukraine has recorded its first substantial battlefield advances in six months, what about those reports that Zelensky was planning attacks inside Russia? Officially, that is untrue ([link removed]) . Zelensky clarified that such planned attacks are only in Russian occupied regions of Ukraine, not Russia proper. But that’s still an improvement, and only the party line, who knows, Moscow might get some more explosions they are unable to explain ([link removed]) soon.

Of course, the news is never ALL good. Ukraine hasn't come out of the weekend unscathed.
* Ukraine might have more support from its own people than Russia, it just doesn’t have as many people to actually fight. Despite a lack of support for the war, Russia is drawing on a population three times the size of Ukraine and Putin is capable of conscripting as many as 25 million fighting-age men ([link removed]█=storyline_top_links_recirc) . Putin mobilized some 300,000 recruits last September and has now changed the law so he can draft men by serving them with a “digital summons” online. The postage was getting so expensive.

* Ukraine is also losing in some other important European contests. For the first time in his career, Putin ally and Turkish President Recep Tayyip Erdogan fell short of the 50 percent needed to win Sunday’s presidential election ([link removed]) (though he's still likely to win the runoff). Better for Ukraine if the strongman goes down but the results make his extended tenure look likely, even as “Free Speech When Convenient” activist Elon Musk’s Twitter sought to silence anti-regime tweets from Turkey ([link removed]) . Twitter announced on Friday before the election that it had “taken action to restrict access to some content in Turkey,” which predictably included high-profile critics of Erdogan. Ukraine also suffered heavy losses in a different battle: this weekend’s Eurovision Song Contest in London, where Sweden’s Loreen claimed the top
prize ([link removed]) .

A war with this many moving parts means that gains are almost always met with bad news somewhere else, but it's not getting any easier for Putin. Especially since his country was kicked out of the Eurovision Song Contest when the Ukraine war began.

Friends of the pod, Crooked is venturing across the pond with our brand new podcast Pod Save the UK ([link removed]) ! This hilarious and insightful new podcast is your go-to source for everything UK politics. Hosted by comedian Nish Kumar and journalist Coco Khan, it's everything you love about Crooked podcasts, but with a British twist. From strikes to scandals, they cover all the topics that matter.

From the minds of Crooked Media and our friends at Reduced Listening, you won't want to miss a single episode of Pod Save The UK ([link removed]) .

Listen to Pod Save the UK now on Spotify ([link removed]) , or wherever you get your podcasts!
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Toot toot. The Mormon Church has a whistleblower. Former investment manager for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints David A. Nielsen has claimed a stockpile of over $100 billion that was intended for charity work was actually just a clandestine hedge fund. ([link removed]) Nielsen insists the charity funds were spent on for-profit initiatives as a tax dodge, alleging that, “Once the money went in, it didn’t go out.” The church collects tithings that are intended to be 10 percent of the earnings of the church’s 17 million members—which amount to about $7 billion dollars per year. The good news is they’ll have plenty of money for lawyers.

Nielsen was a devout Mormon recruited from Wall Street to work at Ensign Peak Advisors, a Mormon-run “nonprofit fund” created in 1997. Now worth $100 billion, the fund is twice the size of Harvard’s endowment or The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Nielsen told 60 Minutes “I thought we were gonna change the world. And we just grew the bank account.” ([link removed]) He resigned from his position in 2019 after links were revealed between church members and shell companies that held billions of dollars in stocks and bonds that were actually controlled by Ensign Peak. The Securities and Exchange Commission has said that the church went to great lengths to hide the size of its investments through shell companies and fake office addresses.
* Uh oh, America’s decayer, Rudy Giuliani, is in the news again. Former employee Noelle Dunphy has filed a 70-page harassment lawsuit detailing how he sexually exploited her ([link removed]) . Allegations against Giuliani include forcing her to work naked and making her perform oral sex on him while he talked on the phone, sometimes with Donald Trump on the other line. She also says Rudy bragged that he and Trump were selling pardons for millions of dollars (!) and splitting the money (!!!).

* The digital director for Rep Paul Gosar (R-AZ) turns out to be a prominent follower of neo-Nazi Nick Fuentes. ([link removed]) Gosar, who gave the keynote last year at the Nick Fuentes-hosted America First Political Action Conference must be SHOCKED.

* Religiously indoctrinated parents had a meltdown after a 5th-grade teacher showed the 2022 Disney movie Strange World which boasts a gay character ([link removed]) . Their worry? Indoctrination, of course.

* The U.S. border has seen fewer migrant-crossings than expected after Title 42 expired ([link removed]) . Officials claim there’s been a 50 percent drop in asylum seekers since the days before the border restriction policy ended.

* The most hated man in football that isn’t named Aaron Rogers, Washington Commanders owner Dan Snyder, loses his death grip on the team ([link removed]) . Without clicking the link, you already know the new owner is another white guy.

* The Supreme Court rejected Alabama's bid to execute a death-row inmate by lethal injection ([link removed]) , leaving in place a lower-court ruling that his preference for lethal gas is a viable alternative method.

* President Biden has selected cancer surgeon (and patient) Dr. Monica M. Bertagnolli, who has led the National Cancer Institute since October, to be the next director of the National Institutes of Health. ([link removed])

* America’s Next Top Kyle Rittenhouse has a new winner. Donors have kicked in over a million dollars for Subway Choker’s defense fund ([link removed]) .

* An American citizen charged with spying in China has received a life sentence ([link removed]) .

* While we were focusing on brain injuries in the NFL, a Colorado Rockies pitcher suffered a fractured skull after being hit with a line drive this weekend ([link removed]) .

* Krysten Sinema is running marathons and a grift, simultaneously, ([link removed]) using her attendance at races to raise a little money and get heavily pampered.

* College graduates are leaving coastal cities ([link removed]) . I guess they have to go to wherever their parent's basements are located.[link removed]


While the world’s richest weirdos are focused on escaping to outer space as the world melts, the world’s smartest weirdos are focused on living underwater. After all, that’s where all of this is headed, right? U.S. researcher Joseph Dituri has broken a record of 73 days of underwater living ([link removed]) and doesn’t plan on surfacing until he hits the 100-day mark. He’s staying in Jules’ Undersea Lodge (named after 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea author Jules Verne) at the bottom of a 30-foot deep lagoon near Key Largo, FL. Dituri says it's been pretty chill but he eats microwaved salmon down there so you be the judge. The previous record was achieved in the same lodge by two professors in 2014 ([link removed]) .

It’s not just a vacation as he has continued to teach classes online. The goal seems to be more of an effort to raise awareness than to actually build a real-life Atlantis, although that is something the professor would like to see. “The idea here is to populate the world’s oceans, to take care of them by living in them and really treating them well,” Dituri said. It's pretty refreshing to see some educational benefits from a stunt like this. It’s as if a David Blaine “magic trick” actually had scientific merit. You can follow Dituri’s countdown to his resurfacing on his website ([link removed]) . The thing he’s most excited to see upon his return to land? The sun. Makes sense but a salmon-cooking oven was probably a close second.
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Do you care about LGBTQ rights? Abortion rights? Religious freedom? Public education? Equality? Democracy?

If you do, then it’s time to fight for the separation of church and state. These fundamental rights – and our democracy itself – are increasingly threatened by White Christian Nationalists who want to impose their narrow views on us all. Fight back by signing the #OneNationAllBeliefs ([link removed]) pledge now.

Americans United for Separation of Church and State ([link removed]) is battling the billion-dollar shadow network of powerful organizations fueling un-democratic, un-American religious extremism nationwide, but we can only succeed with the power and passion of people like you supporting our cause. We’re calling for a national recommitment to keep church and state separate because it’s the fundamental value that underpins our most precious rights and freedoms—and we want you to join us.

Sign the #OneNationAllBeliefs ([link removed]) pledge to keep church and state separate. Together, we can restore and strengthen this pillar of American democracy that respects and celebrates all beliefs.

Americans United for Separation of Church and State ([link removed]) brings together people of all religions and none to fight in the courts, legislatures, and the public square for freedom without favor and equality without exception. Join us!

Platypi are finally back in Sydney’s Royal Park ([link removed]) after their decades-long trip to the store to get cigarettes.

Martha Stewart became the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue’s oldest cover model ([link removed]) and the oldest in the magazine’s history as well, confusing teens with limited internet access.

IRS finally gets its head out of its ass, testing a way to simplify the process of doing your taxes on its website for free ([link removed]) .
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