Friend -
Wow, y’all. The Conservative Political Action Conference (CPAC) 2023 was so unhinged even the doors were crooked. This week’s WHAT THE!? edition is dedicated to the not-so-packed CPAC where those still desperately seeking the approval of TFG took performative to a whole new level as they honed in on their only political strategy: to go viral by seeing who could be most vile. CPAC did not pack a room so, as per usual they packed tiny-handed punches aplenty. C-SPAN panned the audience several times during the days-long event — and the empty seats definitively won the category for best in show.
🥦Donald Chump Jr. called Senator John Fetterman a vegetable, not for the first time, during his parsley (😉) attended CPAC Speech. Live on C-SPAN, Junior said that Senator Fetterman, a stroke survivor who has recently been hospitalized with severe depression, should be required to have “basic cognitive functions.” Chump-lite then whined about being called an ableist. Well, Junior, if the shoe fits … we’ll get daddy over there to help you tie it ASAP.
🍫Not done with Junior yet. During his speech, he told the dozens of audience members to check under their seats for a Gold Chocolate Bar where a golden ticket to hang out with Daddy T would be found. As people looked under empty seats, Occupy Democrats quickly dubbed him Cokehead Willy Wonka and Twitter & I loved it.
🤡Kari Lake, who still hasn’t conceded to Governor Katie Hobbs, appears to be launching a bid for US Senate, is still badgering Arizona courts to overturn the 2022 gubernatorial election, and as she walked off stage at the end of her 😴 CPAC speech, she stopped to kiss a large photo of TFG. Y’all load up on your bugged spray because this shiz is not stopping anytime soon.
🦟Speaking of bugs, there’s a place in Wyoming colloquially called Mosquito Lake. It’s murky, reeks of rot, and attracts Mosquitoes by the thousands. If you go near it, expect to have so many pesky bites that you’ll feel like you just might lose your mind. This is what I picture when I think about what’s to come if the 2024 QOP ticket is indeed Trump/Lake. Axios reports that Lake is a strong contender for TFG’s Veep as a way to win over enough suburban white female voters to oust President Biden.
That’s all for this week. Lemme tell you though, it’s not healthy watching footage of the current QOP. CPAC is gonna make me need a CPAP. Now, go get a Hershey’s (they’ve emphasized the SHE on the wrapper) and celebrate Women’s History Month — it'll be especially delicious knowing that the Celebrate HerSHEy’s packaging brought out the Qrazies who hate all pronouns equally. Guess that leaves more for me, she, them 😋!
If we couldn’t smack our foreheads, we’d have smaller biceps.
Dc Lozano, PowerPAC
