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Do you know that friend — or maybe by now they're just acquaintance — who is never wrong about anything? The person who cannot just be right, they have to ensure you know you’re wrong. In their minds, they are the one who always knows best, and everyone around them either needs their help or is out to destroy them. There is no arguing with this kind of person because they have already set the boundaries for what can or can't be true. They are the hero, never the villain.
According to Will Blakey and Kurt Gray over at Moral Understanding, this is, in a nutshell, how Americans have become so divided even when we say we hate division. Because in some way, we, or at least our political parties and their leaders, have become that friend who is never wrong. This is what polarization does to us; we see ourselves as heroes and anyone who threatens that perception as villains.
But this mentality can only last for a while. Eventually, that friend who always thinks they know best becomes unbearable. It's not just that no one can be right all the time, but to keep up that facade, the villains will have to be increasingly wrong. Blakey and Gray use two graphics that help demonstrate this point. One shows how Republicans have stayed the same, and the Left has moved further and further left. While the other shows the same trajectory, but in reverse, with the Left as heroes and Republicans as the villains. These graphics help demonstrate that we will always require our enemies to be painted as worse and worse to keep up the fantasy that we are heroes of virtue and morality. And all that does is further division.
How can we end this spiral and help bring an end to division? Blakey and Gray suggest an idea so simple that it could be considered radical: gain some humility. In our present case, adopting some humility means being able to acknowledge that no one can be the hero all the time. We must accept some blame for the way things are because, even if we are not wholly to blame, the other side is also not at complete fault. We get this on a personal level; when spouses fight, the quickest way to end the argument is for one side to say, "I'm sorry." In healthy marriages, that “sorry” often sparks a reciprocal apology.
How can we get to a point where this works nationally? We can only start small by admitting that we share the blame in our strained relationships. It begins by saying, "I'm sorry."
This level of humility is not easy, so it helps to keep a few things in mind:
1) Remember that you have been wrong in the past, so you are likely wrong about something now and have yet to learn it.
2) As in marriage, focus on "I" statements instead of "you" statements when talking with those who might disagree with you. This shifts the focus away from blame and centers on finding common ground.
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