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What you want to have in your marriage, first and foremost, is honesty. I mean the kind of honesty devoted towards thriving and love.
You want someone that you can spar with because you have hard problems to solve. And if the person you're with isn't willing to put forward their opinion, then you only have half the cognitive power you would otherwise have.
My rule of thumb, derived from clinical observations, is that you need to spend 90 minutes a week talking to your partner. You're telling each other about your life, so you know what the other is up to.
You're discussing what needs to be done to keep the household running smoothly. And you're laying out some mutually acceptable vision of how the next week or the following months will go.
That keeps your narratives locked together.
If you're lucky now and then, you might be happy and have a clear enough conscience so that in those rare moments where you are truly happy, you can also enjoy it without guilt.
You aim at something much higher than happiness, then welcome it if you're lucky enough to experience it.
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