Plus, How to Raise A Kid With Critical Thinking Skills
Fatherly
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Jul 05, 2022
It happens to all of us: Someone — your partner, a family member, a co-worker —
brings up something you said or did in the hopes of shedding light on your
behavior. Instead of listening to what they have to say or unpacking their
criticism, you feel attacked and go on the defensive. This isn’t uncommon (when
you feel unfairly criticized, defensiveness is a natural reaction) but the
behavior is important to identify, as making it your go-to response whenever
someone brings up an issue is incredibly damaging to relationships. Among other
things, it sends a direct message to people that their opinions don’t matter and
makes it hard to engage in healthy communication. So, what can you do? A lot.
SELF
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7 Big Signs You’re Being Defensive
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Only by understanding the signs can you begin to root out the behavior.
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READ THIS STORY
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How to Talk to Someone Who’s Defensive
01
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Use the first person — saying “you” ups the threat level — and focus on specific
acts rather than making things eternal character traits. For instance: “That
presentation wasn’t at your usual level” is taken better than “You’re not really
good at public speaking, are you?”
01
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Pepper in ways to make any criticism a show of confidence. This sounds like “I’m
saying this because I know you can handle it, and because you’re really smart.”
01
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Acknowledge the reality of the situation. If someone is being so defensive that
nothing is getting through, simply take a breath and say “This might not be the
right time to talk. When is better?” Even more directly, you can try, “It seems
what I’m saying isn’t working. How would you approach this problem?”
01
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Talk about talking. Find a time — after temperatures have lowered — and try to
get to the bottom of the situation. Consider saying, “I notice when we talk
about X topic, things go off. What can we do about it?” Here, you’re not talking
about the issue, but talking about talking about the issue, and that one step
removed makes it easier for the other person to engage.
FURTHER READING Want a Truly Happy Marriage? Learn How to Stop Being So
Defensive
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The Secret to Talking to Someone Who Always Gets Defensive
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How to Solve Mental Load Arguments Once and For All
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FITNESS
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5 Neck Exercises To Help You Build Strength And Prevent Pain
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Weak necks lead to imbalanced bodies. Time to get back on track.
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READ THIS STORY
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TRAVEL
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5 Great Services That Make It Easy to Rent RVs, Pools, Boats, & More
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Want to rent a neighborhood pool for a few hours? A camper van for the
weekend? A family’s worth of camping equipment? These apps have you covered.
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READ THIS STORY
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PARENTING
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How to Raise A Kid With Critical Thinking Skills
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Children take the world at face value. Parents need to help them understand
what strangers want without frightening them.
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READ THIS STORY
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