| Two Traits of Relationships That Endure | | | | | | They accept each other. | Research suggests the most important ingredient in sustaining a long-term relationship is emotional accessibility or availability, says Brent Sweitzer, a licensed professional counselor in Cumming, Georgia. This can show up in many ways, he says, but it’s the answer to the question, “Will you be there for me when I need you?”
Put another way, couples able to weather tough times together tend to have established emotional safety, says Jennifer VanBoxel, marriage and family therapist and a trauma researcher and instructor at Michigan State University. “It can be really difficult to achieve, especially when couples are struggling,” VanBoxel says. “But with that sense of safety and security, people feel they can be exactly who they are in the moment and still be accepted and understood.” |
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| | | | They Know Themselves | The way people react to stress differs greatly and has a lot to do with their upbringing, says Laura Petiford, a marriage and family therapist in Fairfield, Connecticut. Some people might yell when they’re upset, for example, or tend to run away and avoid their partner during stressful times. “If the person you love is distant, it can bring about a kind of panic – the same panic that a child feels when their mother, father, or caregiver is nowhere to be found,” says Los Angeles-based marriage and family therapist Ben Fineman.
The ability to manage your own emotions, therefore, is extremely important. “We know when people have trouble managing negative feelings or chatter, the spillover effects can negatively affect relationships,” says Ethan Kross, Ph.D., professor and founder of the Emotion & Self-Control Lab at the University of Michigan. There’s no one way to react to stress, but having some awareness about our tendencies can help keep marital problems from escalating. |
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