— Yong Zhao, Ph.D., co-author of the book Learning for Uncertainty: Teaching Students How to Thrive in a Rapidly Evolving World.

TIPS AND TRICKS

Two Questions to Ask Yourself About the Division of Labor

Asking yourself these questions and really interrogating the answers is important for the health of your relationship.

1. Do I Have a Sense of the Contribution My Partner Makes?
Bearing the mental load means being the person in the relationship who’s constantly remembering to remember: keeping track of birthdays, the last name of friends, where the spatula might have gone. This task often falls on women. So, it’s important to ask yourself — especially if you’re the one working eight hours a day — if you truly recognize how much your partner is doing. “By asking yourself this question, it’s an opportunity for humility on so many different levels,” says relationship coach Marie Murphy. It’s also an opportunity, she adds, to “recognize your own ignorance.”

2. Am I Doing My Share?
Write down everything that needs to get done and find places where you can contribute. Or write down what you currently do and what your partner currently does. This might seem like asking for a fight. But this exercise isn’t about I-told-you-so’s. It’s about recognizing imbalances that might exist and finding ways to handle them. It’s about being a better partner. “It’s important to make yourself fully aware of the work your spouse and family members put in,” says Michelle English, LCSW, the co-founder and clinical director of San Diego-based addiction treatment center Healthy Life Recovery. “Not only does this make you more appreciative, it allows you to gauge what you’re providing relative to your partner.”