TIPS AND TRICKS

Ask Your Partner About What Brought Them Joy as a Child
When we asked a variety of relationship experts what questions the average person should know about their partner, this was a big one. Whether it was trips to the beach or board games, there’s a strong pull to continue them. “The past will show up in the present,” says Nedra Fetterman, a psychologist in Ardmore, Pennsylvania. “We tend to repeat what’s comfortable and familiar.”

But you also want to answer the flip-side question, “What brought pain?” It could be overnight camp or long car rides, but the answer reveals trigger points and shame, and kids develop survival strategies like withdrawing, blaming, or looking to please. These are also helpful to know.

Now, when asking such things, you don’t want to unnecessarily “step on that hot point,” as Michael S. Bishop, marriage and family therapist in Austin. But your spouse’s feelings could be interfering with the present. So rather than say, “Get over it,” go with, “I understand how hard it is, but we still need to …” Fetterman calls it the “Texas two-step.” By showing both empathy and boundaries, you’re offering strength and support.

Here are a few more questions you should be able to answer about your partner.