 First We Saved Abuela, Then We Saved Virginia. Now, We Are Saving Children’s Books. By Matt Walsh As any parent who has ventured into the children’s section at Barnes and Noble knows, the category has become totally flooded by left-wing propaganda. Every other title on the shelf is “Anti-Racist Baby” or “I Am Jazz” or “Jacob’s New Dress” or “Charlie the Unicorn Has Two Mommies and Three Daddies” or whatever. A good portion of this agitprop has a racial message, but most of it is focused on gender and identity because the first and primary goal of the indoctrinators is to induct children into the religion of gender ideology.
Why is this so important? Because, as I have long argued, we are in the midst of a war over truth. These are not scuffles around the edges of truth. We are not fighting over the truth or falsehood of this or that claim. The goal of the leftist, fundamentally, is to relativize everything, relativize reality itself. He wants to be the God of his own life, his own universe. This is how he envisions freedom. This is what he means when he uses the word. Freedom in the sense of being untethered from any sort of objective, defining, or definable force, floating aimlessly in an ambiguous abyss. And if this is the goal, there is no better starting point than to undermine biological reality, freeing oneself from one’s own physical nature. And there is no better place to start that project than with children, who already have a tenuous grasp on reality and will believe pretty much anything you tell them (hence the whole Santa Claus thing).
Children have no choice but to rely on the adults around them to guide them through the early stages of life. The young of many different species have this need, to one degree or another, and sometimes in the lesser species, this vulnerability and reliance put them in danger. Rats, for example, will sometimes eat their own young. Lions and scorpions will do the same. Humans have a more ideological version of this. Helpless children are devoured by the leftist indoctrinators. The predator feeds upon the innocence of the child, exploits it, uses it to his own advantage. This is going on everywhere, especially in the books and shows and other forms of entertainment made for kids these days. For a long time, conservatives have essentially surrendered this ground to the Left, like it had surrendered almost everything else, allowing the Left to turn children’s books into vehicles for this cult-like brainwashing, without offering any response or alternative. But it’s time for that to change, which is why I have finally embraced my true calling as a children’s author — cardigan and all — and written my first work of children’s literature, “Johnny the Walrus.”
It’s difficult to summarize the book because it is a lengthy story of some 400 words, across 30 cardboard pages. It took me many laborious months to write. Countless nights were spent hunched over my typewriter, honing and crafting this work of literature. In brief, it is a story about a creative and imaginative young child. Like most young children, he likes to play pretend. One day, he pretends to be a walrus. He even has wood spoons in his mouth like tusks and socks on his hands like fins. But unfortunately his mommy is the confused and impressionable sort, and she learns from the internet that if your child identifies as something, then he must actually be that thing. Johnny’s mommy spends the majority of the story trying to raise her child according to his walrus self-identity. She does her level best to give her trans-walrus son the sort of walrus life she thinks he wants and needs. At the darkest point in the novel (yes, I’m calling it a novel now) she brings him to a purple haired doctor who recommends that he take medication and undergo rather barbaric surgical procedures to complete his walrus transition. Over time, though (spoiler alert), Johnny’s mommy comes to understand that just because a child pretends to be something, that doesn’t mean he actually is what he’s pretending to be.
On second thought, the summary was longer than the book itself. Forget about summaries and buy a copy for yourself and 20 more for your closest friends and family members at JohnnyTheWalrus.com. The book sold out on Amazon in a day as we rocketed to number three on the bestseller list. What this means is that I can legitimately refer to myself as a bestselling children’s author, and I have indeed been referring to myself that way all week, and will continue to do so for many weeks to come. I even gave the name “Bestselling children’s author Matt Walsh” when I ordered a pizza last night. I am going to milk this for all its worth, believe me.
Update: My title has become longer, as “Johnny the Walrus” is now the #1 LGBTQ+ release on Amazon. Needless to say now that I am the new leading voice in the LGBT community, I am exempt from all criticism. You are also morally required to purchase my book. Failure to do so will now be considered homophobia and gay erasure. I don’t make the rules but I will enforce them.
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