Friend,

I would be dishonest if I said this note to you was an easy one to write.

The 20th anniversary of 9/11 brings me so many feelings that it’s almost overwhelming to sit here and compose readable thoughts. The tragic event itself, the most deadly attack on our homeland in American history, on a regular weekday morning in September, changed my life forever and of course changed the lives of so many others here in the United States and around the world.

I was one of the first American servicemembers to fight in the Afghan war. It was called Operation Enduring Freedom then. I had trained to be “on the tip of the spear” to protect our country and so I found myself in the cockpit of an F/A-18 flying missions into Afghanistan from an old Soviet air base in Kyrgyzstan in early 2002. After the attacks of 911, I felt our mission there was justified and I, along with so many Americans, rightly felt our nation should strike back against those who had attacked us that fateful day.

The two decades of wars that our nation took part in after this time has left me with mixed feelings, not so sure as I was on that first deployment. The lack of strategic purpose, our failed attempts to nation-build in a culture so unlike our own, a misguided second war in Iraq, our leadership (namely Congress’ inattention to the wars) and the inability to rally the American people to collectively sacrifice made me question all of it. If successive presidents couldn’t ask the American people to pay a dime more for these wars, how are they worth my life and the lives of my brothers and sisters in arms? If Congress never had the courage to debate our military actions overseas, then why should we ask young Americans to have the courage to fight?

My second deployment to the Afghan war brought me to Helmand province in 2010. My husband was over there in Kabul at the same time. We were newlyweds. I constantly worried for his safety and he constantly worried about mine. When a fellow aviator I worked alongside every day was killed, I began to question our role in these wars even more. “Sugar Bear” was his callsign, and he believed in the war and in what we were doing in Afghanistan. He was a proud Marine. An RPG brought his attack helicopter down and I’ll never forget standing inside the back of a C-130 as his remains were loaded to fly home. This week, I’ve been thinking a lot about him and my other friends lost in the wars since 911.

Sadly, America did not achieve a lasting functioning and friendly government for Afghanistan. We have ended our military presence there and have left much pain and loss for the Afghan people. Truth is that the country had a tremendous amount of pain before we arrived. But, as I reflect on 911 and the 20 years since, I want to remind everyone that those who served (not only military but diplomats and aid workers, intelligence community, and others) did keep our country safe from another attack. If you had told me the day after 911, that we would not be attacked like that again for at least another 20 years, I would have considered that a success. In the process of protecting our country, we killed Osama Bin Laden and decimated al Qaeda, and we tried, however flawed it may have been, to give the people of Afghanistan a new start. That’s something.

For now, I will just remember my friends who gave the ultimate sacrifice, thank them and their families in my prayers. And I will always look to make sure this life I’ve been given matters, to make sure that our country is protected in the future — not just from external threats, but from threats to our very democracy and way of life. That’s top of mind for me on this somber anniversary.

All my best,

Amy