This is the 6th of

10 conversations

about preventing

child sexual abuse.

Next Conversation:

#7  Talk to your children

It's easy if you start early and communicate often.

© 2011, Massachusetts Citizens for Children Inc.

Permission to copy, disseminate or otherwise use information from this report is granted as long as Enough Abuse Campaign/Massachusetts Citizens for Children is identified as the source. 

In Conversation #5, we discussed ways to distinguish “typical sexual behaviors” of children that are a common and expected feature of normal child development from “problematic sexual behaviors” that are inappropriate, coercive or abusive.  We also indicated that in over 40% of child sexual abuse cases, older children or teens are involved in committing these offenses. So it’s important for parents and those who supervise children not only to know how to distinguish these behaviors from each other but also how to respond appropriately when witnessing either types.

1. Do not ignore what you have witnessed. If you see children engaged in typical or problematic sexual behaviors don’t pretend you didn’t see it, don’t walk out of the room, or wait for your spouse to deal with it later. Children expect and want adults to correct, validate or help them interpret what is happening around them.  By refusing to ignore what you have witnessed, you can help children feel safe and protected.
   
   While we learned in “Conversation # 3” that those who sexually abuse children can be socially adept, in fact, many have deficits in their ability to communicate feelings that are not superficial. Modeling good communication for our children, therefore, can help them gain these skills and protect them, not only from being victims of sexual abuse but from developing behaviors that could lead to the abuse of others.
    
2. Remain calm.  This can be challenging, given that most of us are uncomfortable witnessing sexual behaviors in children and probably haven’t had much practice talking about them. In fact, depending on the situation, you might have very strong feelings about what you have observed.  No matter what you feel, however, approach the situation with calmness. This will send the message that you are in control of the situation, willing to understand what is happening, and able to respond in the right way.  
    
3. Avoid shaming.  Don’t begin the conversation with statements like: “What on earth are you doing!” “Get out of here right away!” “You are bad to do something like this!” “Wait until I tell your parents!”  First, you really can’t assess the situation until you ask about it and get more information. Secondly, whether the behavior is typical or problematic, it is important not to shame the children involved.  Shame is when a person does something wrong and are made to believe, therefore, that they must be bad, too. Children need to know that even if their behavior is wrong or bad, it doesn’t mean that they are a bad person.
    
4. Describe what you are seeing.  Begin the conversation by simply stating what you see.  Don’t be afraid to use the correct names of private body parts. For example, from a parent:  “I saw you showing Johnny your penis.”  From a teacher: “I saw that you and Jenny pulled down your pants near the tree in the school yard.”  From a school bus driver: “I see that the two of you are making-out on the back of the bus.”  From a principal: “I see that you are in the girls’ bathroom and looking at girls from under the stalls.”
    
5. Label your feelings. It’s okay to say: “I am very confused by what I’m seeing.” “I am uncomfortable…”  “I’m embarrassed…”  By accurately labeling how the sexual behavior is making you feel, you let the child or children know that their behavior can have a strong affect on others. By labeling and expressing your feelings, you provide the opportunity for the child/children to modify their behavior in response to those feelings.
    
6. Foster empathy. Point out how the behavior affects other bystanders.  If there is another child or children involved who seem/s upset or uncomfortable, point out what you observe that leads you to that conclusion. 
   
   For example, “I think that Johnny is uncomfortable. He seems confused and upset seeing your penis.”  or “I was alerted to this behavior at the back of the bus because others were very uncomfortable and embarrassed by what they saw.”   By doing this, you help children learn that their behavior affects others and that it’s important to pick up visual cues about other people’s feelings. 
   
   In addition to deficits in communication, those who sexually abuse children often have deficits in empathy. They dismiss or don’t care that their behavior hurts others, only that it satisfies themselves.  By pointing out how a child’s behavior affects others, you set the expectation that children should be deterred from public displays of private behaviors (e.g. masturbation in children, making-out in teens) or from inappropriate, coercive or abusive behaviors because of empathy for those around them.   
    
7. Hold children accountable.  In responding appropriately to children’s typical or problematic sexual behaviors, remember that it’s not about blaming or shaming. It’s not about finding out why or even about breaking rules. It is about helping the child own their behavior, feel responsibility for the impact it has on others, and change the behavior so others won’t be hurt.

A kindergarten teacher walked into the boys’ bathroom to discover one child standing and another kneeling with his hands inside the other boy’s pants. She stopped for a minute and then calmly described what she saw: “I see, Johnny, that you have your hands inside your classmate’s pants. I am confused about this. Can you tell me what is happening?”  The child then went on to say that Johnny had gotten his shirt stuck inside his pant zipper and that he was trying to help get it unstuck.    

Melanie’s teachers were becoming upset about her constantly rubbing her genitals in school. At first, they tried to redirect her to other activities. It wasn’t working. They called her parents to say that her behavior was starting to affect other children and that if it didn’t stop, she would have to stay home from school until it was resolved. Instead of shaming the child, her parents calmly asked her about the behavior. She complained about being itchy and uncomfortable.  A visit to the pediatrician confirmed a common urinary tract infection. After a bout of antibiotics the child was fine and returned to school. 

If you suspect a child has been sexually abused, contact your local child protective services. To locate the child protective services reporting number in your state, as well as other resources, call Childhelp at 800-4-A-CHILD