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by Cliff Schecter
Trump Derangement Syndrome (TDS), that oh-so catchy phrase tossed around by those living in the everyday MAGA Reality Show, “4 Minutes Without Oxygen And Counting,” is real. Real, I tell you!
Look, if TDS—which Trump, in all his sanity, maturity, and empathy, tweeted was the reason Rob Reiner was killed (it was not) right after Rob Reiner was killed [ [link removed] ]—means you’re consumed with hatred for a serial conman, who spent more time with Jeffrey Epstein than Ghislaine Maxwell, oh, I got it.
Hell, 64% of the country seems to be taking this road away from perdition with me. The symptoms of TDS include loathing Trump because he deported your sister, told your wife at her government job on a Friday at 4:45 pm not to bother coming in next week—or ever again—has more spasms on tariffs than during a Shark Week he spent with Stormy, and has bankrupted more small businesses than heart disease.
Other symptoms: despising Trump for being a cerebrally perforated ass-monger who screams at female reporters for asking basic questions, like he’s a coyote with Lyssaviruses. Knowing he fills his diaper faster than he ever did, The Trump Taj Mahal, calling American soldiers killed in war “suckers and losers,” and thinking Stealth Fighters were invisible, like Wonder Woman’s fucking plane.
Yes, the numb-chud actually believed that.
You may also fall into TDS if you have a strong dislike for adjudicated rapists, Jan 6th insurrectionists, Putin-suckling seditionists [ [link removed] ], and golden-showering onanists. TDS can also become inflamed by hearing un-sweater’d, White Bill Cosby brag about sleeping with his “friend’s wives,” being a convicted felon, and making the Oval Office look like it was decorated by Pizarro.
You could also catch TDS just by thinking about the fact he told us to inject bleach, stared directly into an eclipse, ran a scam university and charity, and after like 112 years of practice still ties his tie so it hangs below his d*k. It’s easy to come down with TDS if you think about the fact that Sleepy McPutinLick [ [link removed] ] allowed an additional 400,000 Americans to die from COVID [ [link removed] ] due to lies about masks, vaccines, and general malaise.
But at least he picked for HHS Secretary a roid-raged, former 16-year heroin addict who thinks it’s vaccines are perilous products to inject. Those GD things are risky, dangerous, unsafe to RFK Jr! Like being faithful to a spouse.
Maybe Jr. could’ve gotten on curing TDS things, but he was too busy road-tripping with a brisk wind breezing through his locks, a worm hanging out his eardrum, and a trusty whale head sturdily attached to his jeep. All while writing dry-heave-inducing-love poetry to a former “Look at me, look at me!” New York Magazine “reporter” is more drunk on her mirror-image than he is.
Look, let’s get straight to the point here. Yes, it must totes be TDS to absolutely despise the literal worst “human” shuffling his cankles growing out of his cankles around America. A vile, venal, fragile, flabby, narcissistic, lazy-ass, selfish, sociopathic, soul-holed, gauche, gaudy, perpetually dumbf*ked man, woman, person, camera old coot who looks like someone piled a burnt-ochre-colored watermelon on top of a jello gelatin factory spill.
An international laughingstock, a domestic terrorist-inspiring cultist, and someone who spits out tweets from his golden crapper at 3 am in 3rd grade English. How could anyone dislike that?? It must be a disease.
Well, I proudly cop to it. As I do PPDS, or Pol Pot Derangement Syndrome. And SOSDS, of Son of Sam Derangement Syndrome, who made 1979 a pretty shitty year in New York.
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Others who it must be derangement I hate, not normal human impulses, include—and this list is by no means complete: Mobuto Sese Seko, Stephen Miller, Viktor Orban, anchovies, David Koresh, the NRA, Suharto, the clown from It, J.D. Vance, Jack Palance in pretty much any Western, Byron de La Beckwith—and the as-creepy actor who played him, James Woods—Sean Hannity, Bolsonaro, Osama bin Laden, Vigo The Carpathian, Hitler, Stalin, Mussolini, Cricket-shooting Kristi Noem and kale.
Hate ‘em all. My apologies to the kale lovers out there. My non-apologies to the J.D. Vance lover out there. And look, I could go on. But I think you get the basic point. Trump Derangement Syndrome is another in a long list of stupid right-wing talking points, as if it takes some kind of affliction to despise convicted criminals, killers, and other all-around awful homosapiens.
You Christians, you got this really cool guy, Jesus. We’re celebrating his Birthday (I mean, it wasn’t really his birthday if you look into history and all that, but who really cares, he was definitely a cool dude).
Now I’m not a religious adherent, but Jesus said some pretty cool stuff, beyond radical for his time. For example, The Parable of the Stranger. We might want to staple that to Tom Homan’s head (if he’s being honest with himself, it can only make him better looking. And if we’re being honest, he’s the one member of ICE we kinda wish would wear a mask.)
But when it comes to the whole turning the other cheek thing, I’ve tried. I really have. And sorry, I can’t.
I hate Trump, the way I hate Hitler, the way I hate Pete Hegseth.
And this doesn’t make me deranged.
It makes me human.
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