The Only Trump Theory That Ever Mattered: He Said Nice Things About Me

by Cliff Schecter

There’s something almost poetic—even mythopoetic—about how so much of the literati, glitterati, and paparazzi who cover Donald Trump still don’t get him. After nine long years of chaos, coups, and covfefe, many pundits, reporters, authors, and influencers continue to inanely analyze him as some Machiavellian mastermind.

Others who don’t bestow upon him that level of credulous pornographic composition or oral flatulence, still pretend, or worse believe, there’s purpose to what Trump does beyond the obvious. Some hidden complexity determinative of his impulsive, unpredictable and self-sabotaging conduct.

And this is why there were so many ludicrous takes about why Trump got on so well with Zohran Mamdani—or kissed his arse, if you will. It’s because Mamdani is from New York! Nope. It’s because Mamdani is a winner! Maybe a tick, but still not even close. Lotsa folks doubted it was even real in our days of AI fake-outs.

So many ill-informed, rapid-fire belches came out of monopolistic media outlets I was waiting for someone to yelp “It’s because Trump converted to Islam!”

For those of us not quite Jane Goodall, but also not JD Vance trying to order donuts, it’s so easy to watch what Trump does and says and know why he’s doing it that hearing these takes was serious tomfool. With a side of knuckleheaded.

Seriously, getting Trump is like handing a dog a bone and observing what follows. Trump’s a creature of almost frightening simplicity. Any deeper analysis is like trying to figure out the motivation of Ace Ventura: Pet Detective when he makes his butt cheeks talk.

Trump doesn’t operate from strategy, his 5-hour-energy bursts are derived from ego maintenance. You don’t need to decode his ideology because there isn’t one. His entire inner life can be summed up in five words he repeats like a mantra:

He said nice things about me.

Seriously, how do people who ostensibly think for a living not get this by now? I know often we’re dealing with corporate-concocted crania (Latin plural!), but still? How have they not seen him repeat this phrase, and slight variations of it, again and again? (See video above).

That’s it. All there is. That’s the whole operating system. It’s like he runs on DOS.

But if that’s not enough, let me try to break it down for you: He loves murderous dictators like Kim Jong Un or Putin not because of shared policy goals, but because they flattered him.

“He wrote me beautiful letters,” Trump slobbered about Kim, sounding less world leader than middle-schooler showing off a note passed by Vlad, who got it from Recep during social studies, handed off by Viktor during recess about his new crush, Kim.

• Why did Trump pick Mike Pence as Vice President? Well, according to the book American Carnage by Vanity Fair, “he says nice things about me”

• Why couldn’t he criticize Putin’s brutality? Per George Stephanopoulos, “But he also said if he says nice things about me, I’m going to say nice thing about him.”

• When asked if he’d pardon Sean P Diddy Combs for his Eptsein-esque grotesquery Trump offered he might do it beause “He used to really like me a lot.”

• When asked what he thought about Melania’s forthcoming memoir a year ago, he responded, “I hope she said good things about me.”

Anyone noticing a pattern? This is all that matters to Trump.

He is such a flaccid donkey d*k he becomes putty around anyone nice to him. Infamously, the “you’re fired” tough guy on tv has other people fire people for him, because he’s too chicken to do it himself.

So when the Trump–Zohran Mamdani meeting went well, corporate media treated it like Yalta, but with a shocking twist, like a telenovela plot line no one saw coming.

FFS. Of course it went well!

Mamdani reached out to Trump for the meeting, paying him homage of sorts, he traveled to meet with Trump, and he let Trump sit in his big chair with the gauche National Treasure backdrop in the Oval—Trump’s home turf that gives him the feels.

Mamdani refused to insult him to the press, though they tried. He met with Trump politely, with restraint, and Trump responded the only way he knows how: fawning like Stephen Miller when he’s just foraged insects, nectar and blood for lunch.

It was damn-near Niagrara Falls from Trump’s swollen eye socket balls. He gushed about Mamdani, throwing ally Elise Stefanik under the bus (“Zohran was nice to me, where was Elise?”). The same Stefanik who’s spent years debasing herself to go from Bush Republican to embrace every last, crass nook of MAGA moron-hood.

You see, friends, Mamdani gave him what he craves more than money or power: affirmation. Suddenly Mamdani wasn’t a Marxist as Elise claimed, seemed like a likeable guy and had talent and would do good things in New York City.

This is also why you can feed Trump the craziest h*t in the world, and he’ll buy it. Because as long as you’re *nice to him* by telling him what he wants to hear, what his ego must hear—like he won the 2020 election, but Maduro had voting machines switch votes—he’ll bomb Venezeula, maybe invade—you own him.

I really wish I weren’t being serious here. Meanwhile, if you’re “nasty” to Trump, you could be Jesus Christ himself and he’d say:

“Jesus Christ. What a sucker. A loser. He gave up his life for humanity? What did he get out of it? He’ll never be great.

So when a reporter questions the weak-as-a-foundation-of-a-Trump-tower goof with a “rude,” question, it was “quiet piggy.” When Springsteen ripped him for “treason” and “corruption,” Trump called him “over-rated” (this, I lol at) and other choice words.

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Worse, even if he once loved you if you don’t do exactly what he asks—including breaking the law for him, there’s nothing he won’t do to you.

Nothing.

Which explains his history of alleged sexual assaults of women and the fact that he’s an adjudicated rapist. When Pence wouldn’t use power he didn’t have to refuse to certify electoral votes, Trump was told by family and staff his Jan 6th lunatics wanted to hang Pence.

His response? Maybe if Pence did what was asked of him this wouldn’t be happening. The empathy you might expect from a criminal and alleged serial abuser.

Jeff Sessions, his first U.S. Senate endorser, was excommunicated and his political career destroyed for refusing to break the law as Trump’s Attorney General to prosecute Hillary Clinton. Hell Lindsey Graham’s been through this cycle of “he said nice things about. me” and vicious personal insult via Tweet at least three times.

Loyalty means nothing to Trump unless it comes with the right tone of adoration and a willingness to do anything. The moment you stop feeding him that sugar rush of flattery and “what do you need boss, I’ll do anything” you become “disloyal,” “weak,” “a loser.”

The man shared a tweet saying six Democrats should be hanged because they did an ad telling our military and intelligence they must reject illegal orders from Trump. This feels like a proportionate response to this incredibly damaged soul because in his verbiage, “they don’t like him.”

And that’s why this entire Trump–Greene–Mamdani circus makes perfect sense if you drop the pretense that Trump’s anything more than a toddler ready to kick the kid in front of him in the ice cream line who got the last Push Up. Yet if the kid swivels around to hand it to Trump, he’s a great guy, “people are really saying he’s done some great things, beautiful things.”

MTG loved Trump, groped a cardboard cutout of him, tried to help him overthrow the government! But then she “turned on him” by refusing to back off on Epstein, H1-B Visas and Obamacare subsidies. So he was justified—in that little Trump-hair covered brain of his—in inciting violence against her.

He’s a 77-year-old man with the emotional needs of an infant and the moral compass of a hedge fund. If you attack him, you’re an enemy of the state. If you flatter him, you can get away with murder, literally, in Putin’s case. Or his friend of the week, Bone Saw MBS of Saudi Arabia.

Many Republicans, to their eternal disgrace, have figured this out. That’s why every Cabinet meeting looks like the North Korean Politburo, with grown adults praising his “great leadership” while trying not to burst out laughing or cry about their life’s choices.

It’s why Mamdani’s polite meeting worked, which weak-corporate insiders still can’t see because grift is blind, or they see and choose to ignore because they’re as degenerate as Trump.

Look, he’s been broadcasting the cheat code for years. The boy’s not complicated. He’s a walking Yelp review of himself. Rate him five stars, you can have anything you want. Place him anywhere else, beware of the night of the long ketchup bottles.