PEARLY GATES — Heavenly sources confirmed that Saint Peter had grown weary running the front desk of Heaven due to the number of questions he continually received about the Nephilim. “Wow, is this Heaven? Cool! So anyway, what are the Nephilim? Were they giants?” one newly deceased man was heard asking, prompting an eye roll […]

LAUSANNE — The International Olympic Committee (IOC) formally revoked the right of transgender athletes to participate in sporting events of the gender they identify with after watching an old episode of Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood. “This is totally new information for us,” said IOC President Kirsty Coventry. “I learned recently that boys are boys from the […]

U.S. — Banks across the United States announced today that they would now require an applicant’s grandkids to co-sign on a 50-year mortgage “just in case.” “You never know what might happen if you’re signing a 50-year mortgage and you’re 55 years old,” National Banking Association Spokesperson Craig Jensen told the media. “We’re going to […]

AP ImagesChuck Schumer The big loser in the fight to reopen the federal government was U.S. Senate Democratic leader Chuck Schumer of New York, despite his voting “no” on a continuing resolution to do so. “Progressive” leaders are furious and want Schumer replaced because eight Democrats defected and helped Republicans pass the bill. On […]

PENSACOLA, FL — As the end of his first semester at the local Bible college loomed ever nearer, freshman Jed Clines started to worry about his prospects of ever winning a wife. According to Clines, the 226 other students at North Florida Independent Bible College had each now found godly spouses in the first 3 […]