Are the teens alright? For those of us with younger children, it’s a question that is incredibly easy to ignore. But if we want a glimpse of the future we need to prepare them for, it’s standing there right in front of us. That’s why, when a colleague passed along this opinion piece on high school culture, it was hard to look away. The story is written by a high school student, Naomi Beinhart, who touches on the “rise of the chill girl” — the one who sits quietly by trying their best to ignore the racist, sexist, and homophobic boldness of less chill boys. It’s a disturbing piece, not least because the careful, articulate argument from this young person is piled on by so many adult commenters who are quick to blame the kids, fan the flames of division, and swim upstream in anecdote while ignoring the current of facts.

Before going further, I feel the need to say that, as adults, let’s not be quick to blame teens for their troubles.

Instead, maybe we can pay attention to what they’re saying. “No one wants to hang out with the stickler,” Beinhart writes, “so no one wants to become her. And therefore, juvenile illiberalism lives on.” Sounds familiar. While there’s so much that’s singular to this political and cultural climate — and so much for us parents to learn from the kids growing in it — it’s hard not to hear an echo of the environment that you might find in a high school in the ‘90s.

To wit: Beinhart points out, 45% of girls ages 13-17 today feel “a great deal” of pressure to fit in socially, and as cultural conservatism grows, that changes what fitting in means.” From those former teens who witnessed the transition from President Clinton to George W. Bush, we hear you.

But there are some essential differences. A recent Pew report shows that boys are behind academically and ahead in drug and alcohol use, violence, and classroom disruption. Teen boys spend two hours less a week socializing than girls and seven hours more per week on screens. As a whole, men are more online than women — and more likely to be fed misogynist content, as shown in numerous studies.

Despite the perception of political empowerment for their sex, boys as a group aren’t using it to cement social status or academic success. Theirs is a lonely existence, as evidenced in an Equimundo report that found that two-thirds of young men age 18-23 identified with the idea that “no one really knows me well.”

In a much-heralded new album from Geese, the indie rock band, there’s a song called “Islands of Men,” with writing credits to four men in their early twenties, that offers a bit of poetry to describe the problem.

“You look green,” croons the lead singer Cameron Winter, “Like you've been to see islands of men / Thought you'd find what it means / Peace of mind.” He goes on to seemingly impart advice, “You can't keep womankind in your dreams / You can't keep running away from what is real.”

I want to say, “yes, this!” to the song, but, coming full circle, it isn’t the place for grown adults — parents especially — to wag a finger at the rising generation. What good will that do? The band, a few years away from being teens themselves, can call out what they see.

The boys are running away. They’re finding anonymous social spaces, algorithmic thinking, fear, and anger. Chill girls are being stifled, anxious under the pressure of perfection, and being told to “pick their battles” in the face of misogyny and sexism. It all sounds so lonely.

When I look at this and then to my third grade boy, perfectly oblivious to the dark recesses that might await, I feel the urge to hide that from him. It’s clearly the wrong instinct. Instead, I’ll listen and share, try to help him avoid the traps of online life, find independence in the real one, and to learn to love himself. It’s really about all I can do.

Tyghe Trimble,

Fatherly