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Editor’s Note: The following is a satirical piece about Donald Trump’s meddling in the Smithsonian’s affairs.
As part of his demand that all history exhibits be altered to align with his politically correct view of history, Donald Trump went to the Library of Congress this morning and demanded that the case in which the Declaration of Independence is sealed be opened. The President then used his black Sharpie to sign his name over that of John Hancock.
In his brief informal remarks at the signing, the Supreme Leader said, “Another thing we’re looking into very strongly is that they tell me the museums and history books say the revolution was against having a king. We’ll get that misinterpretation changed right away!”
Saying "It is the greatest honor of my life to assist in correcting the unpardonable lie that the signature of Donald J. Trump, the greatest lifeform ever to inhabit the planet earth — nay, the entire universe! was not the first on the Declaration,” Acting Librarian of Congress Todd Blanche proclaimed with a broad smile.
Reports are that the Führer will go to the Smithsonian National Museum of American History tomorrow to oversee the construction of a new diorama depicting George Washington capturing British airports during the Revolution. He will also check progress on a new exhibit at the museum showing how joyful slaves were. It is being checked for historical accuracy by comparing it with D.W. Griffith's 1915 documentary, Birth of a Nation.
“As you know, that is the most historically accurate movie ever made. Everybody is saying that,” the Man who has the Right to Do Anything He Wants said.
“Actually, I fell asleep watching it — it’s so fucking long! But I woke up in time to see the wonderful Christian Klansmen free that white girl, which made me very happy. Everybody knows that those southern girls knew their place. We need more women like that … along with more immigrants from Norway. I’m very strongly looking into getting more KKK members into our military strike forces to send into Democratic cities. And that girl that Gus was after, she looked to be of the age that Jeff Epstein liked. They tell me that Griffith liked them, too. You know he was a real historical documentary maker — none of this bullshit Ken Burns puts out!
“And the movie shows exactly how well-treated and happy slaves were and how sad it is that the Confederates lost the war. I’m going to order a recount. I think the war was stolen from them!”
“Anyways,” his Royal Majesty continued, “we are going to make sure we return our great country to the way the Confederacy was … uh, except for states’ rights, of course. And Birth of the Aryan Nation shows what happens when the blacks are allowed to vote, so we’re very strongly looking into stopping that.
“That quote in the movie about uniting the nation to protect our Aryan birthright —THAT’S what will Make America Great Again. And I am doing it!”
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