WELCOME TO SANDWICH CITY

Donald Trump’s agents in D.C. are sowing chaos in peaceful parts of the city, as the White House attempts to justify its authoritarian takeover.

• Shoving delivery drivers into unmarked black cars. Tearing down a poster criticizing the feds and, according to locals, leaving a dildo in its place. Calling an ambulance for a drunk girl. Dispatching 20 officers with guns drawn to arrest a guy for throwing a Subway sandwich at a cop. These are the kind of high jinks local police and federal agents have been up to amid President Donald Trump’s takeover of Washington D.C. Many agents appear to be sauntering around peaceful neighborhoods and high-end areas, including the famously tony Georgetown, instead of patrolling the parts of the city where crimes are more likely to occur.

• As a D.C. resident myself, this story is personal. This morning, I took a jog around the National Mall, the landscaped park stretching from the U.S. Capitol to the Washington Monument. I spotted 10 dull-looking agents in black uniforms biking around the Reflecting Pool. And let me tell you: That area, near the Lincoln Memorial, is not a high-crime zone, especially on a Tuesday morning!

• “I’ve seen a lot of National Guardsmen looking really sweaty and bored, just loitering around for photo ops in front of monuments, but not doing anything,” one local told What A Day. “Like, these guys signed up to respond to massive disasters.”

• Examples of their ridiculousness and uselessness are piling up. Take the calm, diverse, hipster-flooded neighborhood of Mount Pleasant — where some folks hung up a banner criticizing Immigration and Customs Enforcement. Agents were caught on camera posing by the poster, then tearing it down. Locals told a reporter that, while off camera, they also left a dildo in its place. Nearby, over the weekend, agents in five unmarked cars arrested one man, according to a picture posted on social media. Bizarrely, they brought a camera crew, which is disturbingly common for this administration.

• Over in Dupont Circle, about a dozen agents carrying guns stopped a delivery driver, checked his papers, and took his moped earlier today, according to a photo sent to What A Day this morning. In some cases, authorities are loading these mopeds on truck flatbeds and driving them away, as seen in this picture. Ah yes, DoorDash, the great threat to public safety!

• Meanwhile, in the Columbia Heights area, street vendors who once lined the sidewalks have disappeared. They were once a central part of this neighborhood’s local culture. Dozens sold fruit, and one man chopped coconuts with a machete. But not anymore. “thanks to the feds for taking care of the very dangerous threat to my safety, mango with tajín,” one local tweeted.

The guy charged with a felony for throwing a Subway sandwich at the police is quickly becoming a symbol of the city under Trump’s loony occupation.

• We’ve written about the hoagie hurler before. Lately, his image is popping up in Bansky-esque graffiti around the city — a sign of just how absurd this whole situation has become.

• The White House wants to cast these agents as crime-fighting superheroes. One unnamed White House official insisted to Axios that half of the arrests made since Trump took over the local police force have been made in high-crime areas. Well, excuse me if I’m skeptical. The Trump administration has refuted real data that makes the president look bad in many cases, and recently fired a top labor official when jobs numbers weren’t up to par. The White House wants us to believe its own leak to the media, rather than the evidence of our eyes and ears.

• Trump’s war on numbers is expanding to the D.C. takeover. The Department of Justice is investigating whether the city’s police manipulated data to make the crime rate appear lower, according to the Washington Post. Last month, the police placed a commander on paid leave after being accused by the union of changing crime stats. (The police union’s chairman supports Trump’s takeover of the city.) “D.C. gave Fake Crime numbers in order to create a false illusion of safety,” Trump ranted on Truth Social last night.

Even the Washington Post’s Jeff Bezos-controlled editorial board is raising the alarm about agents wearing masks and sewing fear among the city’s residents: “This lack of transparency is at odds with the American tradition.”

WHAT ELSE?

Hamas said it would accept a temporary ceasefire with Israel, but Israel hasn’t agreed yet. Negotiators are still stuck on the same issues: Israel says it won’t stop fighting until Hamas is destroyed and gives up control of the Gaza Strip, which the militant group doesn’t want to do.

Tuberculosis is running rampant in packed, dirty ICE detention centers across the country. The disease, historically known as consumption, once flourished toward the end of the 1800s, but was on the decline in the U.S…. until recently. I’m literally reading a Dostoevsky novel right now based in 19th century Russia, in which one of the characters is dying of consumption — which shows you just how outrageous it is that we’re dealing with this outbreak now.

The Trump administration wants to make it harder to become a U.S. citizen, by scrutinizing applicants for “good moral character.” Apparently that’s defined by “behavior, adherence to societal norms, and positive contributions.” Um, Trump was convicted of 34 felony counts for falsifying business records relating to hush-money payments to a porn star to buy her silence about their affair, which occurred while his third wife was pregnant. And he gets to judge other people’s “good moral character”?

The Trump administration has revoked visas for some 6,000 international students, accusing them of breaking the law, overstaying their visas, and “support for terrorism.” Remember: Trump officials often accuse pro-Palestinian activists of supporting terrorism, even when that’s total bullshit.

Ashley St. Clair, the mother of one of billionaire Elon Musk’s numerous children, launched her own podcast — and revealed she’s broke and “getting evicted.” That’s causing confusion, because Elon said he paid her millions after she accused him of skimping on child support payments. What a bizarre world these people live in!

Light at the End of the Email…

The American Academy of Pediatrics urged parents to get their young kids vaccinated against Covid-19, defying HHS Secretary Robert F. Kennedy’s attempts to roll back vaccinations. Are you gonna trust the guy whose brain was eaten by a worm, or a bunch of people who actually know what they’re talking about?

The union representing Air Canada flight attendants struck a deal, following a three-day strike that grounded hundreds of flights and affected 500,000 customers. Attendants will now be paid for the time it takes to board passengers. And rightfully so! That’s when fliers are at their most annoying, if we’re being real about it.

The Chinese maker of those cute-freaky Labubu dolls saw profits rise 400 percent in the first half of the year, thanks to the internet’s newfound obsession with these weird trinkets. The company is now more valuable than Barbie-producer Mattel and Hello Kitty’s parent company, which is truly bonkers.