SUB PLOT THICKENS

Welcome to Donald Trump’s absurd D.C. takeover, where top officials are maniacally focused on prosecuting a guy for throwing a sandwich, and can’t spell the name of their own handpicked top cop.

• There’s a footlong fiasco on the streets of the nation’s capital, and the White House ain’t gonna take it anymore! President Donald Trump’s top officials are raging for justice against a guy who allegedly called federal agents, who were dispatched by Trump to patrol the city’s streets, “fucking fascists!” and slung a subway sandwich straight at an officer’s shoulder.

• The video of this preposterous incident is a sight to behold. You can see the toppings and condiments burst from within the layers of ultraprocessed bread as the sandwich erupts on contact with the bullet-proof vest worn by Customs and Border Patrol Agent Gregory Lairmore. The sandwich slinger, dressed in a pink polo and white shorts, then turns and hightails it, while the officers give chase and make an arrest.

• The story only gets dumber from there. Trump’s team went nuclear. Attorney General Pam Bondi personally announced that Dunn would be charged with felony assault on an officer, a charge that carries a maximum eight years in prison. “This is an example of the Deep State,” Bondi tweeted, adding that Dunn, who had worked for the DOJ, was now fired. She then sent a gang of armed agents to arrest the suspect again at his apartment in the middle of the night, special ops-style, guns-drawn, along with a film crew. The White House posted a video of the mission on social media, as if it were the raid on Osama Bin Laden’s secret lair.

• The sandwich scandal encapsulates Washington D.C.’s new Trump drama: It’s both absurd, and deadly serious. Some observers see the flying sandwich as a new sign of the resistance. “The DC Sandwich Party will go down alongside the Boston Tea Party as one of the great stands against tyranny in American history,” one social media user tweeted. Others are mocking the cops. “Federal agent assaulted by sandwich admitted to Mayo Clinic,” another posted.

• Charging someone with a felony for hucking a hoagie “seems a bit excessive,” Barbara McQuade, former U.S. attorney for the Eastern District of Michigan, told What A Day. “It appears to be all part of an effort to bait critics into defending him so that they can be labeled ‘anti-police.’”

On Friday afternoon, a local judge took a buzzsaw to Trump’s argument that he could stage a total takeover of the city’s police.

• Sandwichgate is a direct result of Trump’s attempt to claim complete control over D.C.'s police force while surging hundreds of federal agents onto the city’s streets to execute random searches of cars in roadblocks. Trump has claimed a crime wave justifies the move, even though violent crime fell 26 percent last year.

• Bondi named Terrance Cole, head of the Drug Enforcement Administration, as the “emergency police commissioner” and assigned him all the powers of an actual police chief. But Washington Mayor Muriel Bowser is fighting back in court. While a law passed by Congress in the 1970s allows the president to seek “services” that he deems “necessary” from D.C. police for 30 days, Bowser points out that no law says Bondi can swap out the city’s police chief on a whim.

• District Court Judge Ana C. Reyes ruthlessly grilled a DOJ lawyer today, saying that Trump and Bondi appear to be overstepping the language of the law. “The President can’t say, ‘Mayor, I’m asking for the services of your entire police department… and I need them to listen to every federal agent out there.’ Right?” Reyes asked. “Why can’t the executive order track the language of the statute?”

Judge Reyes also slammed Trump’s team for misspelling the name “Terrance” in Bondi’s order appointing him the city’s top cop. “It doesn’t give a lot of confidence if you can’t get the name right,” Reyes deadpanned.

CRÈME DE LA KREMLIN

Donald Trump literally rolled out the red carpet for Russian dictator Vladimir Putin today in Alaska, where the former best buddies rekindled their bromance… and, so far, haven’t achieved much else.

Trump’s most eyebrow-raising moment of this bizarre, much-hyped, underwhelming summit occurred before it even started, during a Fox News interview.

“I’d like to see a ceasefire,” Trump told the outlet during his flight to Alaska. “I wouldn’t be thrilled if I didn’t get it, but everyone says, ‘You’re not going to get a ceasefire. You — it’ll take place on the second meeting.’”

And just like that, Trump set sky-high expectations for his second meeting, which has yet to even be scheduled, with the former KGB spymaster. His team set expectations low for this summit because there was no way he’d score a deal. Next time, they’ll have an even tougher time backtracking on the president’s lofty goal.

As of this writing, Trump and Putin are moments away from a press conference, which you can watch in real time right here.

WHAT ELSE?

ICE plans to double its number of immigrant detention spaces this year, according to documents seen by the Washington Post. The plan is to add 41,000 beds, for a total of 107,000. Relatedly, ICE Barbie Kristi Noem is shacking up rent free at a Coast Guard commandant’s home, because she has been “so horribly doxxed and targeted that she is no longer able to safely live in her own apartment,” according to DHS. So, uh… why doesn’t she have to pay rent, again?

The U.S. military deployed 4,000 Marines and sailors to the waters around Latin America, in a move that gives him new latitude to follow through on his threats to target cartels.

The White House is secretly rating companies based on how supportive they’ve been of Trump’s “big, beautiful bill,” Axios reports. So, if companies wanna do business with the U.S. government, they might get shot down if they haven’t kissed Trump’s ring. Love these mob boss tactics!

Costco won’t sell abortion pills after conservative pushback. It’s a huge win for the religious right, and a huge loss for American women, who use pills to end pregnancies more than any other method.

Global talks on plastic collapsed today after the U.S. opposed the production limits that other countries support. The State Department doesn’t want any limits on plastic production or restrictions on additives, an official told the Washington Post. That’s a stance supported by countries that are always in line with the United States, such as Saudi Arabia, Iran and Russia! Excuse me, I feel the microplastics in my brain beginning to crinkle.

Oklahoma schools will start giving teachers from “liberal” states tests to keep “away woke indoctrinators,” according to the state’s top education official. If they don’t pass the test, developed by the right-wing media company PragerU, they won’t earn a teaching certificate and won’t be able to teach in public schools for the year. I personally give this idea an F-minus.

Louisiana’s attorney general is suing gaming platform Roblox over its safety protocols, accusing it of being “the perfect place for pedophiles.” More than 100 million people use the platform, and one-third of them are under 13. While Roblox is home to scores of mundane games, it also has some questionable “experiences,” including “Escape to Epstein Island,” “Diddy Party” and “Public Bathroom Simulator Vibe,” according to the lawsuit. Roblox? More like: Oh-hell-no-blox!

Light at the End of the Email…

A federal judge struck down two of the Trump administration’s attempts to target diversity, equity and inclusion programs at schools and universities. The woke mob strikes again, mwa-haha!

Solar panels that can fit on balconies and decks are becoming more popular in the United States, even as Donald Trump scraps many of the country’s climate initiatives. Some plug-ins cost just a few hundred bucks, while users save dozens of dollars a month and reduce their carbon footprint.

Pop Star Bad Bunny’s residency in Puerto Rico is causing the island’s economy to boom, with thousands of tourists flying in from around the world to watch him bust a move. Normally, hotel bookings dwindle ahead of hurricane season. But more than 48,000 nights have been booked, and some 25,000 concert packages were sold in a single day, according to organizers. “We can argue that they’re the prettiest, but they’re beaches. What makes us unique is the culture. No one can steal that,” a local tourism company spokesperson said.

A U.S. Air Force veteran opened a sanctuary for monkeys in need last fall, and it has unexpectedly become a place of solace for fellow veterans who struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder. “There’s something magical that’s happening here,” the founder said. “There’s such a peace that we have.”

And with that, meet Maybel, one of the sanctuary’s adorable monkeys who apparently loves grapes.