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Memo from the White House
A $200 million luxury ballroom is just the beginning. Rick Wilson shares a leaked memo on Trump's most tremendous initiative to date: "Make the White House Classy Again."
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FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
THE WHITE HOUSE
Office of the Press Secretary
August 2, 2025
President Trump Announces Bold Redesign of White House East Wing: “Finally, a Real Estate Deal Americans Can Be Proud Of”
WASHINGTON, D.C. — Today, President Donald J. Trump, America’s most successful builder-President and part-time interior visionary, announced a transformative new initiative to Make the White House Classy Again by ordering the demolition of the historic East Wing and replacing it with what aides are calling “a high-end, high-energy, very tasteful ballroom-slash-party-center-slash-orgy center.”
“This will be the greatest ballroom in history,” President Trump declared while holding up a vaguely wet napkin with crayon sketches of disco balls and what appeared to be an animatronic giraffe. “The Obamas had boring architecture. Biden decorated the White House with train posters and old sheets of burlap. But me? I give the American people what they want: pizzaz! Gold everywhere, glitter wallpaper, bedazzling on the White House china, ‘YMCA’ on the hi-fi 24/7, 20-foot-tall eagle statues with lifelike Kid Rock figures riding them to arrest Jim Comey. And listen to this! We’re finally adding a retractable dance floor that turns into a skating rink and a pudding wrestling pit. Tremendous!”
The East Wing, once home to the offices of the First Lady, the White House social secretary, and boring traditions like “diplomacy” and “decorum,” will now be transformed into Trump’s Executive Lounge & Leisure Complex™. This family-first facility reflects the President’s values of luxury, exclusivity, and unlimited breadsticks. President Trump also announced the construction of the new White House Spa, which is tentatively titled, “Jeffrey’s Wonderful White House Secrets.”
President Trump also highlighted “totally classy, top-dollar” additions to the White House grounds:
A water slide from the Situation Room directly into a chocolate fountain
A go-kart track designed in the shape of the 2020 electoral map, with blue states serving as speed bumps
A petting zoo exclusively populated with animals pardoned by the President for Don Jr. to hunt.
And a full-scale Chuck E. Cheese (“Eric’s Place”) reserved 24/7 for the Second Son himself, complete with a private animatronic band that only plays Lee Greenwood covers...
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