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There is a common challenge in human sociality that leaders, but few others, must deal with. I call it Stopping the Wave. There are times when the group you are leading experiences a sudden shift in thinking or behavior. It’s often extremely unclear, perhaps impossible, to understand how it started. But when you are inside of this shift, it can feel as unstoppable as a tsunami. Every individual—even supposed leaders—feels powerless to stop it. It’s a more general version of the Wave you often see at sporting events.
Imagine being one person, even a very influential person, in this crowd. Good luck trying to stop the Wave.
It is very often the case that the Wave is harmless, as in the sporting event above. On other occasions, the Wave is positive. This is what happens when movements that promote some good cause, such as the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s, reach a critical mass.
But on some occasions, the Wave is more like literal wildfire: burning everything in its wake. There are many versions of destructive waves—strange ideologies, false facts, or even just terrible fashion trends [ [link removed] ]. By far the most dangerous Wave is the Adversarial Wave: one driven by hate towards the “other.” Israelis vs Palestinians. Russia vs Ukraine. Americans vs Illegal Immigrants.
The complaint often starts as a claim for justice. “He cheated!” one person says. “That was unfair!” another adds. But before long, it becomes something much darker. “They are a threat!” one person exclaims. “We have to stop them by any means necessary!” another shouts. And then, as in this scene from Anchorman, things escalate quickly. Entire communities are swept up in this fit of righteous anger, diverting resources from productive ends and towards destroying the “other.”
As a leader, I have seen these dynamics firsthand more times than I can count. There was a Wave in 2017 when competing factions within Direct Action Everywhere tried to “heal” the organization by expelling one another [ [link removed] ]. Or the Wave in 2020 when battles over racial justice led fellow activists (all of whom were seemingly aligned on the need for police reform) to accuse one another of white supremacy. In these instances, there was incredible momentum to confront the evil-doers. It didn’t occur to those in the Wave that the “evil-doers” had no idea what evil they had committed — or that the Wave was destroying the very community that everyone claimed to be defending.
Leaders, however, are focused on the group as a whole and can see an Adversarial Wave for what it is: a self-destructive force. But most, fearful of the Wave’s power, do nothing to stop it. Indeed, the worst leaders gleefully Ride the Wave as it tears everything apart. (Many see these demagogues as puppet masters; in fact, they are usually impotent clowns who simply delight in chaos.)
But occasionally — too occasionally — leaders step up to Stop the Wave. This can be done with a number of techniques. One is to slow down the decision-making of the group. “Before we do something that could hurt everyone — including us — let’s make sure we understand what’s going on.” Daniel Kahneman’s groundbreaking research [ [link removed] ] shows that this is often enough to improve our decisions.
Another tactic is to engage in perspective shifting. “If we want to change people, we have to understand them. What could have motivated these other people to do what they did?” The evidence on persuasion suggests [ [link removed] ] that this form of two-way connection is crucial to creating real change.
But by far the most transformative technique is to not just Stop, but Reverse, the Wave. “The strongest response is to live well. And what better way to live than with kindness?”
The beauty of this last technique is that it can Reverse the Wave. When the people see the strongest among them fighting for peace rather than war, leading with kindness rather than hate, momentum can suddenly shift. This is, in fact, the superpower of our species. We are at our strongest when we cooperate [ [link removed] ]. The greatest leaders in history — Buddha, Socrates, Christ — understood this power. And they created movements that Reversed the Wave.
But here is their greatest secret. They did not do it alone. Leadership starts with each of us. Leaders can’t do much without a broad base of support. And so this is our choice: Do we want to Ride the Wave? Or Reverse it?
We are in an era of unprecedented conflict. Perhaps the most radical thing that any of us can do is to approach these conflicts with kindness.

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