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Opinion
Before the first apple pie was baked in an American hearth, tobacco and its derivative chemical compound nicotine was waking the American mind.
The Native Americans--who have been smoking the stuff for thousands of years--know as well as any other red blooded American that upon breaking the blood-brain barrier, the drug causes the mind to drum like the wings of a an eagle as the first rays of morning sunlight dry its feathers from the cold dew. The technology to deliver nicotine has evolved significantly since those first puffs wafted through a peace pipe under a wigwam somewhere in the virgin American wilderness. How the first shaman decided to take a plant and smoke it is a mystery as old as time, but thank God that he did.
After the Europeans arrived, tobacco was industrialized into cigarettes that captured (and clogged) the hearts of the nation. Then, after it was discovered that cigarettes can cause cancer, it was the vape with its fruity flavored nicotine juice that caused an entire generation of Zoomers to go gaga.
But while millions puffed their electric vape sticks, another, better vice was creeping its way into the bloodstreams of those in the know... no puffing required. All one has to do is to place this product in between the gum and lip (you can choose whether you want to go upper or lower deck, personally I like to rotate) and voila! Nicotine in the veins!
Some of you may be familiar with dip, an older form of smokeless tobacco that required the spitting of rancid juice. As a hockey player, I was a dipper in high school and college, but now even the smell of the stuff makes me feel sick. Then there was Swedish Snus, which came in little pouches and was less messy than dip, but was still made from tobacco and tended to stain teeth brown.
But these newfangled lip pillows provide a pleasant, less potent buzz for up to an hour; they are made from nicotine salt so they don't brown the mouth, and there's no spitting required!
So if you are interested in getting involved in some action, where would you start? Sure the long-term effects of this product are untested but what isn't killing you these days, anyways? The following should not be construed as legal advice, although my brother is a doctor and he uses them every day.
Thanks to healthy market competition there are now a variety of products to choose from. There's VELO, ZYN, ZONE, ROGUE; even Tucker Carlson got into the game [ [link removed] ] with his own nicotine pouches called ALP. Full disclosure, ALP is now a sponsor of this newsletter, and you can expect a review just as soon as we get some free samples lining the gums (wink wink, send me some free ALPacinos, Tucker and Neil).
A message from our sponsor (piece continues below)
Together with ALP [ [link removed] ]
ALP Nicotine Pouches by Tucker Carlson
Founded by Tucker Carlson, ALP isn’t just a product; it’s a movement. With a dedicated community of users who value freedom, adventure, and innovation, ALP is already the fastest-growing nicotine pouch brand in the world.
ALP is revolutionizing the nicotine pouch industry by creating a product that’s bold, high-quality, and designed for those who demand more. [ [link removed] ] Unlike traditional, dry pouches that leave you wanting more, ALP delivers a moist, flavorful experience with every use, offering a superior alternative to the stale options on the market. With a range of 5 premium flavors including Chilled Mint, Mountain Wintergreen, Sweet Nectar, Refreshing Chill, and Tropical Fruit, ALP caters to a variety of tastes, ensuring there's something for everyone.
Each ALP product is 100% tobacco-free and crafted with the consumer in mind. Available in three nicotine strengths (3mg, 6mg, and 9mg), you can customize your experience to match your needs. Whether you're on the go or kicking back, ALP ensures a smooth, satisfying experience every time.
Join the ALP movement today, [ [link removed] ] and experience the freshest, boldest nicotine pouches available. Get yours now and see why ALP is changing the game one pouch at a time. Must be 21+ to purchase.
(Continued)
For now, the most important factor to consider when starting out is dosage: they typically come in 3, 6, and 9 mg pouches. Personally I'm a sixer guy. I like to ride the line between a hefty head buzz of a 9 and the faint forgiveness of a 3. But I know some folks who regularly use 3 millies and occasionally upgrade to 6 or 9 when they need an extra punch.
If you're going to grab a can, please keep this in mind. And yes, this part is definitely professional advice: This drug is highly addictive and will make you extremely productive.
I pop upper deckies when I’m covering protests and usually go lower deck when I clack the keyboard for you folks. My coworker Matt Miller just got hooked on the stuff; it gets him jacked up like he just drank ten cans of Mountain Dew.
For proof of product, in the amount of time it took me to rip through a lip pillow, I just scrawled this article on a notepad while waiting for security to let me into the White House. Maybe I'll ask The President if he can mandate the use of lip pillows in our federal bureaucracy.
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