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WHAT HAPPENS NOW?
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Andy Borowitz
November 10, 2024
The Borowitz Report
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_ Not satire from Borowitz, but a couple of history lessons. In 1984
after Reagan romped to victory with 59 percent of the popular vote and
525 electoral votes, Reaganism was declared unstoppable. But two years
later, Democrats proved the pundits wrong _
Nixon’s landslide victory in 1972 made him appear invulnerable. He
wasn’t., Cindy Yamanaka/MediaNews Group/The Riverside
Press-Enterprise // The Borowitz Report
Maybe you’ve been asking yourself:
1. “How could Donald Trump have won 51 percent of the popular
vote?”
2. “How hard is it to immigrate to New Zealand?”
3. “What the actual fuck?”
Fair questions.
Let’s try a thought experiment. Could Tuesday’s election results
have been any worse?
Well, what if, instead of 51 percent, the Republican nominee had won
59 percent? Or 61 percent? And what if he had won 49 states?
Those aren’t hypotheticals. Those were the results of the 1972 and
1984 landslides that reelected Richard Nixon and Ronald Reagan.
With thumping victories like those, what could possibly go wrong for
the winners?
If history’s any guide, some nasty surprises await Donald Trump.
In 1972, the Democratic presidential nominee, George McGovern, won
just 37.5 percent of the vote, carrying only Massachusetts and the
District of Columbia for a total of 17 Electoral College votes. He
didn’t even win his home state, South Dakota.
In 1984, Democrat Walter Mondale did carry his native Minnesota, but
that was as good as it got for him. In the Electoral College, he fared
even worse than McGovern, with a whopping 13 votes.
In the aftermath of these thrashings, the Democratic Party lay in
smoldering ruins, and Republicans looked like indestructible
conquerors.
Now, some might argue that those GOP victories, though statistically
more resounding than Trump’s, weren’t nearly as alarming, because
he’s a criminal and wannabe autocrat.
But Trump’s heinousness shouldn’t make us nostalgic for Nixon and
Reagan. They were also criminals—albeit unindicted ones. And they
were up to all manner of autocratic shit—until they got caught.
The Watergate scandal was only one small part of the sprawling
criminal enterprise that Nixon directed from the Oval Office in order
to subvert democracy. For his part, Reagan’s contribution to the
annals of presidential crime, Iran-Contra, broke myriad laws and
violated Constitutional norms.
The hubris engendered by both men’s landslides propelled them to
reckless behavior in their second terms—behavior that came back to
haunt them. Nixon was forced to resign the presidency; Reagan was
lucky to escape impeachment.
Of course, Trump would be justified in believing that no matter how
reckless he becomes, he’ll never pay a price. He’s already been
impeached—twice—only to be acquitted by his Republican toadies in
the Senate. And now that the right-wing supermajority of the Supreme
Court has adorned him with an immunity idol, he’ll likely feel free
to commit crimes that Nixon and Reagan could only dream of. Who’ll
stop him from using his vast power to persecute his voluminous list of
enemies?
Well, the enemy most likely to thwart Trump in his second term might
be one who isn’t on his list: himself. The seeds of Trump’s
downfall may reside in two promises he made to win this election: the
mass deportation of immigrants and the elimination of inflation.
Trump’s concept of a plan to deport 20 million immigrants is as
destined for success as were two of his other brainchildren, Trump
University and Trump Steaks. The US doesn’t have anything
approaching the law-enforcement capacity to realize this xenophobic
fever dream.
And as for Trump’s war on inflation, the skyrocketing prices caused
by his proposed tariffs will make Americans nostalgic for pandemic-era
price-gouging on Charmin.
It's possible that Trump’s 24/7 disinformation machine, led by
Batman villains Rupert Murdoch, Tucker Carlson, and Elon Musk, will
prevent his MAGA followers from ever discovering that 20 million
immigrants didn’t go anywhere. And it’s possible that if inflation
spikes, he’ll find a scapegoat for that. (Nancy Pelosi? Dr. Fauci?
Taylor Swift?)
And, yes, it’s possible that Trump will somehow accomplish his goal
of becoming America’s Kim Jong Un, and our democracy will go
belly-up like the Trump Taj Mahal casino in Atlantic City.
But I wouldn’t bet on it. I tend to agree with the British
politician Enoch Powell (1912-1998), who observed that all political
careers end in failure. I doubt that Trump, with his signature blend
of inattention, impulsiveness, and incompetence, will avoid that fate.
And when the ketchup hits the fan, the MAGA movement may suddenly
appear far more fragmented and fractious than it does this week. You
can already see the cracks. Two towering ignoramuses like Marjorie
Taylor Greene and Lauren Boebert should be BFFs, but they despise each
other—the only policy of theirs I agree with.
If things really go south, expect MAGA Republicans to devour each
other as hungrily as the worm who feasted on RFK Jr.’s brain—and
that, my friends, will be worth binge-watching. I’m stocking up on
popcorn now before Trumpflation makes it unaffordable.
One parting thought. Post-election, the mainstream media’s
hyperbolic reassessment of Trump—apparently, he’s now a political
genius in a league with Talleyrand and Metternich—has been
nauseating. It’s also insanely short-sighted. Again, a look at the
not-so-distant past is instructive.
In 1984, after Reagan romped to victory with 59 percent of the popular
vote and 525 electoral votes, Reaganism was universally declared an
unstoppable juggernaut. But only two years later, in the 1986
midterms, Democrats proved the pundits wrong: they regained control of
both the House and Senate for the first time since 1980. Those
majorities enabled them to slam the brakes on Ronnie’s right-wing
agenda, block the Supreme Court nomination of Robert Bork, and
investigate Iran-Contra.
The lesson of the 1986 midterms is clear: the game’s far from over
and there’s everything to play for. If we want to stem the tide of
autocracy and kleptocracy, restore women’s rights and protect the
most vulnerable, we don’t have the luxury of despair. The work
starts now.
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