Are you shittin’ me? ... No!”

— Rep. Mike Simpson, when asked if Matt Gaetz is qualified to be attorney general.

FLORIDA MAN(IAC)

Donald Trump has threatened to weaponize the federal government against his enemies countless times. He just gave the biggest sign yet that he’s serious — by proposing MAGA bombthrower Matt Gaetz for America’s top cop.

You’re surprised by the news that Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL) is President-elect Trump’s choice for Attorney General? My editor, Greg, spat out his coffee when the news dropped. Members of Congress flipped out as word hit the Capitol. A roomful of House Republicans gasped audibly when they heard, according to one report. One described their response as “stunned and disgusted.” Sen. Chuck Grassley (R-IA) stopped talking to reporters, lost his train of thought, and just stood there stonefaced, staring into the abyss of our uncertain future. One GOP lawmaker exclaimed: “Are you shittin’ me?” Another laughed so hard he wiped away tears. Sen. Lisa Murkowski (R-AK) dismissed Gaetz as not a “serious” pick. When I texted a Republican aide on Capitol Hill that I didn’t see the nomination coming, he replied: “I’d ask you for lotto numbers if you did.”

There are damn good reasons why Gaetz makes a batshit crazy choice for the nation’s top law enforcement officer. First, there’s the mushroom cloud of scandal. The big-talking MAGA extremist recently spent months under a federal sex-trafficking investigation, which eventually ended without charges. Then, just two months ago, Gaetz announced that he expected to be subpoenaed by the House Ethics Committee as it looks into whether he “engaged in sexual activity with any individual under 18” — which he categorically denied. Aside from his dubious personal life, Gaetz is one of the most infamous loudmouths in the entire MAGA universe, and is seen as untrustworthy and unethical even by many of his fellow Republicans in Congress.

The Gaetz pick also tells us something important: It’s the best early evidence we have that Trump actually means to make good on his threats to go after his opponents by turning the Department of Justice into his personal vehicle of retribution. Trump has threatened President Joe Biden directly or by implication at least 25 times on Truth Social since January 2023 alone, according to watchdog group Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington. That includes talk of FBI raids, investigations, indictments and even jail time. And not just Biden: Trump has mulled action against senators, judges and Biden’s family too. Last June, Trump posted: “When will Joe Biden be Indicted for his many crimes against our Nation?” You might reasonably ask how Trump could pull this off, in a nation of laws. Well, the New York Times has created a handy flow chart, noting each phase of the process. Step one: Appoint loyalists. That would be Gaetz.

Now, you’re probably thinking: “But Gaetz couldn’t possibly make it through Senate confirmation, right?” Sure, Gaetz is notoriously unpopular among many of his own colleagues, and often ridiculed on social media for looking like Butthead. But that might not matter. Over the weekend, Trump demanded that senators allow recess appointments, a process that would let his nominees bypass the Senate approval process — guaranteeing that whoever he chooses gets the job. It’s possible, but it’s a constitutionally fraught issue, and there would be lots of pushback from inside the GOP: “I think he has a zero percent shot of getting through the Senate," said Trump ally Rep. Max Miller (R-OH). Well, perhaps. But it remains to be seen if congressional Republicans will stand up to Donald Trump… about anything.

How seriously should we take the Gaetz nomination? “It’s kind of like as if a big, violent criminal threatens to beat you to death with a dildo,” attorney and legal commentator Ken White told the What A Day podcast, in an interview to air tomorrow. “On one level, it’s extremely silly. But on another level, it’s perfectly serious, and you have to take it seriously.”

FOR PETE'S SAKE

Donald Trump didn’t just shake up the nation’s prosecutors. He also made a very weird pick to lead the country’s armed forces.

Trump’s choice of Fox News host Pete Hegseth last night to be secretary of defense caught basically everyone by surprise. Even people who work in the defense industry were left scratching their heads, wondering, “Who the fuck is this guy?”

Before we get to the important stuff, let’s note how incredibly, unspeakably weird this is. Trump basically plucked a guy off TV and put him in charge of the world’s biggest military. And the guy he chose … is, uh, hardly a buttoned-up normie! A few years ago, Hegseth said he “hasn't washed hands in 10 years” because “germs are not a real thing.” He literally almost killed a drummer with an axe on live television. He claims to have been removed from President Joe Biden’s inauguration because of his “extremist” tattoo. Hegseth had an affair with a Fox producer and got her pregnant — while he was married to his second wife.

But Hegseth is well-known to the Fox & Friends Weekend audience, which, apparently, is what counts. “Trump also thinks he has the look,” a person familiar with the decision making told CNN. If he means a bulky white man with an American flag tattooed on his bicep and “We The People” emblazoned on his forearm, then sure, I guess.

Hegseth’s main qualification to lead the largest military in the world seem to be that he’s an Army National Guard officer, who has served as an infantry platoon leader at Guantanamo Bay and in several posts throughout the Middle East. Historically, defense secretaries have held much higher-ranking roles before being tapped. For instance, Lloyd Austin, who currently holds the post, previously led the United States Central Command.

That’s worrying lawmakers, who don’t think Hegseth has the necessary connections for the role. “I see no evidence that this person has relationships whatsoever with our overseas partners,” Rep. Adam Smith (D-WA), the top Democrat on the House Armed Services Committee, told reporters after admitting that he’s never heard of the guy. “How is he going to do when working on the various coalitions that we have?”

Some of Hegseth’s views about the military, however, are well-documented — and very controversial.

“I’m straight up just saying we should not have women in combat roles,” he said less than a week ago. He has long bashed the military’s diversity, equity and inclusion efforts, vowing to fire “woke” generals. During Trump’s first term, he was instrumental in convincing the then-president to pardon two U.S. service members charged with war crimes. He repeatedly criticized “diverse” service members in his new book. And, of course, he’s a vaccine and climate change skeptic.

WHAT A SPONSOR

Lumen is the world’s first handheld metabolic coach. It’s a device that measures your metabolism through your breath.

All you have to do is breathe into your Lumen first thing in the morning, and you’ll know what’s going on with your metabolism, whether you’re burning mostly fats or carbs.

Then the Lumen app gives you a personalized nutrition plan and suggestions for macronutrient amounts for that day based on your measurements.

Because your metabolism is at the center of everything your body does, optimal metabolic health translates to a bunch of benefits, including easier weight management, improved energy levels, better fitness results, better sleep etc.

So, if you want to take the next step in improving your health, go to lumen.me/WAD to get 15% off your Lumen

WHAT ELSE?

But wait, there’s more! Donald Trump also nominated former Rep. Tulsi Gabbard to be the director of national intelligence. She’s yet another spineless politician who went from being vice chair of the Democratic National Committee, endorsing Sen. Bernie Sanders (I-VT) in 2016 and President Biden in 2020, before literally becoming a fill-in host for Tucker Carlson on Fox News and co-chairing Trump’s transition team.

Sen. John Thune (R-ND) was elected as the next Senate majority leader, succeeding Sen. Mitch McConnell (R-KY) and beating out MAGA-backed Sen. Rick Scott (R-FL) for the powerful position. He may be a more traditional Republican, but don’t get your hopes up that he’ll challenge the president-elect: “This Republican team is united behind President Trump’s agenda, and our work starts today,” Thune said after being elected.

Anti-vaxxer and brain worm survivor Robert F. Kennedy Jr. mocked Trump’s personal eating habits as “really, like, bad,” and claimed the food served by the Trump campaign was “poison.” He’s expected to get a job in the Trump admin anyway, according to Semafor.

Now that the race is over, let's take a look back at the polls. On this week's new episode of Pollercoaster, Dan Pfeiffer reflects on what they got right, where they fell short, and what we still don’t know. Then, producer Caroline Reston joins to tackle listeners' burning questions. To catch this exclusive subscriber series, sign up at crooked.com/friends.

“The Office” heartthrob John Krasinski was named People’s 2024 Sexiest Man Alive. Big win for all us Rodent Men.

There’s now an official song about Moo Deng, the adorable pygmy hippo who’s beloved around the world. What’s more, it’s available in four languages. Some lyrics include, “Moo Deng Moo Deng, boing boing boing/ Mommy mommy, play with me.” Someone give the writer a Pulitzer.

No longer want to receive these emails? Unsubscribe.
Crooked Media 4817 N 56th St Suite 45 Lincoln, Nebraska 68504