E.T., AI and Our Need for Friends

I’m sure you’ve read plenty in these pages and elsewhere in recent weeks about the importance of maintaining a level of civility, humility and kindness in our relationships with others. Especially in times of division and polarization, it’s important to remember that none of us can go it alone. Which is why it’s important to point out that the level of vitriol in our public discourse isn’t the only problem we have regarding how we relate to one another: We’re also about as lonely in this country as we’ve ever been.

Recently, I started thinking about loneliness after rewatching Steven Spielberg’s classic 1982 film “E.T. the Extra-Terrestrial.” The idea of “E.T.” sprang initially from Spielberg’s own lonely childhood—stemming from the divorce of his parents and the breakup of his family. To alleviate the loneliness he felt due to familial absence, he created an imaginary friend to help fill in as both a brother and a father figure. Years later, as an adult, Spielberg found himself working on a remote film set, away from the familiarities of home, and once again he began reconnecting with the imaginary friend of his youth as a way to stave off loneliness. Before long, the screenplay for “E.T.” was born, and as they say, the rest is history.

In the film, E.T. the alien and the movie’s 10-year-old protagonist, Elliott, each fill an important need for the other: E.T. is literally the only one of his kind on Earth (talk about lonely!), and Elliott is growing up without a father. The two develop a psychic bond, to the point where Elliott often says “we” when referring to E.T. When E.T. falls ill, so does Elliott—and it is Elliott’s love and devotion that brings the alien back to life. It is as if they are one entity, truly connected.

“E.T.” is more than 40 years old now, but the parable about loneliness and finding meaningful connection is just as relevant, if not more so, today as it was then. The American Psychiatric Association reports that one in three Americans feels lonely at least once a week. At the same time, according to the study, most people think that technology can help us with our loneliness problem—helping us build new friendships and keeping us more connected to others. But can it?

While technology can help us maintain connections (even E.T. wanted to “phone home”!), many have pointed out that we often rely too much on it at the expense of working to forge strong and real personal connections.

These days, alienation from family and friends is more common than ever; some folks even encourage it. Furthermore, it’s easier than ever to eschew human contact if we wish to. For example, as Bruno Manno explained in Discourse a while back, there’s increasingly a dearth of “third places”—the VFW hall, the corner bar—where we can informally meet and build genuine relationships with one another.

But our desire to forge connections exists even in the absence of humans—and that’s where AI comes in. Could robots hold a key to alleviating loneliness and depression? Could Amazon’s Alexa or Apple’s Siri be my pal? Possibly—they can seem quite kind, even empathetic. (In the interests of “research” for this Editor’s Corner, I asked Alexa to pay me a compliment, and she said, “You’re so strong, the rock calls you the paper.” Thanks, Alexa!)

Does AI offer any benefits over making a connection with another human? The stakes are definitely lower: AI comes without judgment and rejection. And I can be a jerk to Alexa and she won’t feel hurt or stop talking to me. What’s more, since AI isn’t sentient (and it’s quite possible it will never be), we can project whatever “personality” we want on it. It can fill whatever niche we’re looking to fill without the complications and messiness that would accompany a human relationship.

However, this is only an idealized version of what it is to have a relationship with another person—an imaginary friend not all that different from the one that inspired “E.T.” It doesn’t challenge us or even disagree with us.  

But as much as a docile, friendly presence may sound appealing, it is no way to cure the loneliness problem. As Andrew Jason Cohen wrote last year in Discourse, “In light of how we raise children to refrain from disagreeing, negotiating—or sometimes interacting at all—with others, it’s hardly surprising that people feel lonely. If you want not to feel lonely—if you want not to be lonely—you need to seriously engage with others.”

It is not enough to simulate the trappings of connections without making the effort to forge actual connections. Otherwise, what you’re really looking for is someone (or, more correctly, something) to meet your own desires without accepting what others bring to the table. And we need what they bring, even when they annoy or exasperate us, because that frisson that comes with another wonderfully unpredictable human being makes everything else ultimately feel empty and meaningless by comparison.

In short, AI can’t be our very own E.T. An AI friend might seem kind and even clever and nonjudgmental, but it can’t take the place of the human (or, okay, alien) connection. We still have a need for actual flesh-and-blood relationships: There’s nothing like the real thing.

Meanwhile ...

What I’m baking: Another season of “The Great British Bake Off” is upon us, and every weekend, I catch up on the episode that dropped on Netflix on Friday morning. Though I’m a big fan of the show and all the scrumptious-looking bakes, I hadn’t yet actually tried to replicate something baked on the show. Until last weekend.

For some time, my husband has been asking me to make sausage rolls, a staple of British cooking. Homemade pastry, a savory sausage filling—sounded like a real home run to me too. Sausage rolls were one of the show’s baking challenges last season, and the season’s eventual winner, Matty Edgell, made a traditional sausage roll that got rave reviews from the judges. Who can argue with a “Bake Off” winner?

So I took to the kitchen with Matty’s recipe, and I have to say, we adored and devoured these savory rolls. Flaky pastry is stuffed with a filling of pork, apple, caramelized onion and fresh sage and baked until crispy—a perfect match for a cool fall night. Now, which “Bake Off” recipe to make next?

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