From Denny Heck <[email protected]>
Subject BAM!—an angry Sasquatch appears
Date September 26, 2024 5:46 PM
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Let me tell you about the greatest commercial that never was, John.

We open on a breathtaking vista overlooking the Olympic Mountains, then slowly zoom in on a man standing on a mountain peak, gripping the flagstaff of the Washington state flag like it's Excalibur. As the camera draws closer, we start to hear the soulful strains of our state anthem, " Washington, My Home ."

♪ Washington my home; wherever I may roam; this is my land, my native land, Washington, my home... ♪

And who's that standing majestically on the peak? Oh, it's yours truly, wearing a casual, but well-pressed crewneck sweater.

"Hello, my name is Denny Heck, and Washington is my home! I've lived here my whole life, and let me tell you—I freakin' love it!" Lightning shoots from the pole to the sky.

As the thunder fades, a majestic flock of American Goldfinches sweep in, pick me up in their tiny beaks, and carry me off the mountain like an avian Uber. Unfazed, I continue. "Washingtonians aren't afraid to reach for the sky!"

"But we also know we need measured leadership that stays grounded." I declare, as the birds drop me off—gently— in front of the state Capitol. I fist bump one before he flies away.

The camera follows as I walk toward the front door. "We're working to solve the housing crisis," I say, handing a smiling young family the keys to a newly-constructed home, "implement new climate solutions," as I share an elaborate handshake with a windmill technician like we've been best friends for years, "and let's not forget, protecting public discourse and battling political extremism!"

At that moment, a snarling Sasquatch with "Political Extremism" tattooed across its chest leaps into my path, snarling. I slip on a pair of custom boxing gloves with "CIVIL" written on one and "DISCOURSE" on the other. After one punch to the kisser, the Sasquatch falls to the ground, out cold.

The camera zooms in on my face as I deliver my closing remarks, with " Roll on, Columbia, Roll on " swelling heroically in the background.

"Washington is home to all of us, and as Lieutenant Governor, I promise to fight for roofs over our heads, quality jobs, a clean environment, and a democracy that hits back just as hard. Thank you for your support. And don't forget to vote for Denny Heck on November 5th."

*Fade to black.*

That's the commercial my team pitched to me, but apparently, my campaign manager said the cost of the goldfinches' travel expenses is astronomical! Plus, Paula said something about 'insurance issues' and 'bodily harm.' But hey, a guy can dream, right?

We are about to enter the last month of this year's election and every penny we raise between now and election day will go towards sharing our message with Washingtonians — with a little less pizzazz and a little more pragmatism. But by the end of this election, everyone will know that we are working on the issues that matter most to Washingtonians and our friends, families and neighbors.

If you are able, help us reach out to voters by donating $7 today. [[link removed]]

Thank you,

Denny

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Heck for Lt. Governor (D)
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