Friend, 

In case you missed it, ProPublica did a little digging and found out that Trump’s been paying off his witnesses. Color us super shocked. This is maybe the most Donald Trump thing of all time. If somebody else were doing it as blatantly as he is, he’d probably get jealous.

Yes, he got through one criminal trial, but let’s not forget, he still has three more. There are still three more trials that could land the orange doofus in an orange jumpsuit. Now, if he wins for President, he’ll try to make them all go away. But, because this isn’t Trump’s first legal rodeo, he’s taking precautions in case the election is “stolen” once again. Here are a few of the people who the king of NDAs is paying off:

Boris Epshteyn, campaign advisor: not sure what paying this guy off accomplished, the FBI already seized his phone. Nevertheless, Boris got his salary doubled to keep quiet about Trump’s racketeering case in Georgia. Fun fact: he was arrested back in 2021 for groping women in an Arizona nightclub. Maybe that’s why Trump gave him a raise.

Susie Wiles, Head of Trump’s Campaign: one of our favorite sycophants! Remember the tape where Trump bragged about some classified map that he kept in his shower? Well, Susie’s the one he was bragging to. Her firm started receiving its highest payments ever from Trump after she was called to testify about said map, and the campaign even hired her daughter. Funny how things work out like that in Mar-a-Lago. Blackmailing the boss is a pretty solid career move in Trumpworld… until he decides it isn’t.

Dan Scavino, Board Member of Trump Media: this guy was around for a lot of the January 6th planning. So naturally, Trump thought Dan would fit in perfectly on the board for Truth Social. Well, after he was subpoenaed, anyway. Still, it’s a pretty sweet gig. Being on the board of a failing social media company apparently comes with a $600,000 retention bonus and a $4 million “executive promissory note.” 

Allen Weisselberg, former Trump CFO: It must've been hard for Allen to live with his pants on fire for his entire tenure with Trump. Once he “retired,” Trump sent over a severance package that included a $2 million payout. But hold the phone, there’s a catch. If Allen voluntarily cooperates with investigators, he loses $750,000. He’s already made it through two cases without saying a peep, so let’s see how far he’ll go! This must have been one of the less important bribes, though. Records show that Trump’s least favorite son (Eric) is the only signature on the contract.

Remember, these are just a few of the names. There are still plenty more out there, and probably more coming up. Trump has, of course, called all of them coincidences, but who’s going to believe that? Fact of the matter is, our former President just loves doing illegal stuff. It’s just too bad he’s not very good at disguising it, which may be the most critical part of being a good criminal. But hey, we’re not complaining.

Although, we’d prefer for our next President to not have an extensive criminal record. Help us elect the right guy in November >>

-The Lincoln Project

P.S: If you’ve received any payments from Trump to keep quiet, you better cash them soon. At this rate, he’ll be bankrupt by December.