Michael Cohen took the stand in perhaps the most hotly-anticipated moment of disgraced former President Donald Trump’s hush money trial. 

• Cohen once famously vowed he’d “take a bullet” for Trump, back in their happier days, when Cohen served as Trump’s attorney and fixer. Instead, Cohen spent the day firing shots, metaphorically speaking, in the form of testimony that could land Trump in prison. Cohen described work for Trump that included intimidating reporters and threatening to sue over any coverage that displeased his boss. The fixer said he used to make sure Trump knew all about it, because Trump’s praise made him feel like he was “on top of the world.” Aww!

• Those unsavory duties led Cohen to work directly with National Enquirer publisher David Pecker to kill negative stories about Trump before the 2016 election. Cohen told the court that he was absolutely working on behalf of the campaign, using a campaign email account and receiving regular campaign talking points. He described setting up a shell company to pay adult film star Stormy Daniels for her story about her alleged affair with Trump, and said the order came directly from Trump himself. Cohen said Trump promised to reimburse him for the $130,000 payment to Stormy, after the lapdog took out a home equity line of credit on his apartment to secure the money.

• Prosecutors hope Cohen will convince the jury that Trump knew about the payment scheme. They asked Cohen directly whether or not he would have paid Daniels without Trump’s authorization, and Cohen said no. “Everything required Mr. Trump’s sign-off,” he affirmed. On top of that, he wanted his money back! 

It’s important to keep in mind that Cohen is a convicted liar and an all-around shady guy. Next up, Trump’s defense attorneys will set out to destroy his credibility on cross-examination. But it’s up to the jury to decide if this boy cried wolf too many times.

Louisiana could become the first state in the country to categorize abortion pills as controlled dangerous substances, meaning fines and jail time for any non-healthcare professional caught in possession of the drugs without a prescription. A pregnant woman who obtained the pills for herself would be exempt from prosecution — but a friend helping her get the pills could be charged with a crime and face up to five years in prison. Oh cool! New dystopian horror just dropped!

State legislators inserted this draconian clause as a last-minute amendment into a Senate bill that aims to criminalize “coerced” abortion in instances where someone gives a pregnant person mifepristone or misoprostol without their consent. (Apparently, that nearly really happened to the pregnant sister of the sponsor of this bill.) 

The amendment adds abortion pills to a list of criminalized, addictive drugs like opioids and depressants, even though more than 200 Louisiana doctors signed a letter pointing out that this makes no scientific sense. The medical experts reminded Republican senators that misoprostol is also used for other purposes outside of abortions, including during labor and delivery, treatment after a miscarriage, and to help stop postpartum hemorrhage. Mifepristone, the most common abortion pill, is safer than Viagra and penicillin. Oh yeah, and one more thing: Abortion pills are not addictive, you freaks! Louisiana has already banned both medication and surgical abortions except for life-saving circumstances. We get it, Louisiana! You hate women!

Secretary of State Antony Blinken told CBS News the U.S. “will not support” an Israeli invasion of the city of Rafah in southern Gaza without a “credible” plan to support civilians, and that U.S. officials are still waiting to see Israel’s plan for what will happen when this war is over. Meanwhile, Israeli forces renewed fighting in northern Gaza, claiming Hamas has regrouped there. 

Sen. Bob Menendez (D-NJ)’s corruption trial kicked off on Monday. Prosecutors allege Menendez accepted hundreds of thousands of dollars in bribes to help a few Jersey businessmen land lucrative foreign contracts and to help stop a federal investigation. In exchange, Menendez allegedly received cash, gold bars and a luxury Mercedes-Benz convertible. Menendez has pleaded not guilty. But, y’know, perhaps he’s just guilty of bringing “being paid in gold bars” back into fashion.

New Polling data from the New York Times shows Trump leading Biden in five swing states, including by some pretty hair-raising numbers. Trump leads among registered voters in Nevada by 12 points, and in Georgia by 10 points. How many times do we have to say it: Yikes! Among likely voters, Trump’s lead is smaller. But, still, not great!

Trump said some particularly weird shit during a rally in New Jersey over the weekend, praising “the late, great Hannibal Lecter” (when neither the character, nor the actor who played him, is dead) as a “wonderful man” (he literally ate people). We never know what he’s talking about, but what the actual fuck was that? 

Trump officially scratched Nikki Haley off his VP list on Saturday with an uncharacteristically polite note on Truth Social, writing: “I wish her well!” 

Maryland, West Virginia, and Nebraska will hold primaries on Tuesday. In the West Virginia governor’s race, local Republicans are competing with each other to see who can be the most transphobic candidate. In Maryland, the traditionally-sleepy Democratic Senate primary is shaping up to be more competitive and contentious than usual, as rich guy Rep. David Trone (D-MD) faces off against county executive Angela Alsobrooks.  

The Wisconsin Supreme Court began hearing oral arguments in a major case that will determine the future of absentee ballot drop boxes in the state. The court’s liberal majority could reverse a restrictive 2022 ruling that limited access to drop boxes, which were a target of criticism from Republicans after the 2020 election. 

Graduating students at Duke audibly booed Jerry Seinfeld during his commencement speech introduction, seemingly for the comedian’s vocal support of Israel. Some students walked out, in just one of several anti-war protests in commencement ceremonies over the weekend.   

Former Trump aide Johnny McEntee bragged in a TikTok video about giving fake money to unhoused people so that when they try to use it, they could get arrested. No hell hot enough for these monsters!  

Typical children’s vitamins are basically candy in disguise — filled with two teaspoons of sugar, unhealthy chemicals, and other gummy junk growing kids should never eat. That’s why Hiya was created — the pediatrician-approved superpowered chewable vitamin.

Hiya is made with zero sugar and zero gummy junk, yet it tastes
great and is perfect for picky eaters. Hiya fills in the most common gaps in modern children’s diets to provide the full-body
nourishment our kids need with a yummy taste they love.

Formulated with the help of nutritional experts, Hiya is pressed with a blend of twelve organic fruits and veggies, then supercharged with fifteen essential vitamins and minerals, including vitamin D, B12, C, Zinc, Folate, and many others to help support immunity, energy, brain function, mood, concentration, teeth, bones, and more.

It’s non-GMO, vegan, dairy-free, allergy-free, gelatin-free, nut-free and everything else you can imagine.

Hiya is designed for kids of all ages and sent straight to your door so parents have one less thing to worry about.

As a special deal for WAD readers, receive 50% off your first order and get your kids the full-body nourishment they need to grow into healthy adults.

Flavor Flav is finalizing a deal with USA Water Polo to become the official hype man for the women’s team ahead of the Paris Olympics as they compete for an unprecedented fourth consecutive gold medal. Team captain Maggie Stefan made a plea for support on social media that reached Flav’s radar, and the 65-year-old rapper offered to lend his influence and give the program a bigger spotlight. Yeahhh boyyyy!

Two loggerhead sea turtles were met with cheers as they were released from a Florida marine life rehabilitation center into the Atlantic Ocean. Cayman and Finely were both injured in separate incidents involving fishing lines but the turtles recovered well and are back swimming near West Palm Beach.

EU countries approved a law Monday that will eliminate carbon dioxide emissions from trucks, promising that most new heavy-duty vehicles sold in the European Union from 2040 will be emissions-free. Manufacturers will have to convert from diesel to electric or hydrogen-fueled trucks. European auto groups called the policy the most ambitious worldwide towards cutting emissions. We’re sure conservatives will respond normally to this!

Federal regulators approved a plan to upgrade and expand America’s electric grids, a move that could make it easier to add more wind and solar energy to the system and upgrade the country’s declining electricity network. The new federal rule requires grid operators to plan 20 years into the future and think through future energy needs.