Friend,

Just imagine. At this point, you're probably tearing your hair out. You've figured you're Dad's least favorite kid. Of course, Ivanka's number one. You probably don't want to be number one if you've seen how Trump looks at her. So, then there's Don Jr. and Barron. OK, you're not going to beat the youngest kid with the trophy wife. Sure. So that leaves Don Jr., who we’ve always hated the most. But hey, he’s a certified grifter. As we speak, he’s probably plugging his gold bars on Newsmax. We’re guessing Dad's really into spittle-flecked rage.

So, you're clearly last. You're hurting. If inciting an insurrection on your birthday wasn’t enough proof, it has to be clear by now. But hey, maybe if you kiss up enough, you can move up the rankings. 

Then, the phone rings.

It's Dad. Did he finally come to his senses? Does he finally want to spend a little time teaching the art of the scam? At this point, sure, you'd even relaunch Trump Steaks if it means a little daddy time. Yeah, even you know it's a bad idea.

But no! He wants you to spend quality time with him… in court. Where he's facing federal charges for, well ... you know.

So, you jump at it. Why not get revenge on Don Jr. for getting more screen time than you on The Celebrity Apprentice? But, just as you’re about to commit to watching your orange father fall asleep in court for 8 hours, you see this ad and this ad on your phone, and you're like, Dad, uh, anything you want to talk about?

...of course not.

But Eric's hanging around dear orange Dad again, which means we're blasting him with "Guilty" too.

That's gotta be so much worse.

Help us keep America from taking Eric’s spot on the totem pole >>

-The Lincoln Project