Featuring Sidney Tompkins, licensed mental health counselor and ordained minister in the United Methodist Church

EDITOR'S NOTE
We have lost so much. We’re grieving and grasping and giving and growing.

If you’re like me, you need some reassurance. I’m here to give it to you: I see and appreciate the hard work you’re doing. I’m cheering you on. And this issue of The Cohort is holding space for when you fall apart. Because you will. We all will.

I reached out to Sidney Tompkins, a licensed mental health counselor and ordained minister in the United Methodist Church, to see what she could teach us about coping with the coronavirus in the days ahead. Over the last three years, she and her husband, long-time Poynter faculty member Al Tompkins, have taught thousands of journalists from all over the world about dealing with stress and trauma. On top of that, she has 37 years of experience as a psychotherapist.

I hope her advice helps you as much as it helped me. And if our conversation doesn’t put a smile on your face, scroll down for a special edition of Open Source.

— Mel Grau, editor, The Cohort

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It’s OK to scream and complain. This is a pretty terrible time.

This conversation has been edited for length and clarity.

Mel Grau: How does coronavirus stress impact journalists differently?

Sidney Tompkins: It’s been my experience that journalists like to have control over their environment. What’s going on now with the virus is scary. We don't have control over what's going on with our own selves, much less our children, and other people that we love and care about.

Mel: And feeling like you’ve lost control leads to more anxiety, right?

Sidney: This is probably the first time in our lifetimes that we have felt as helpless as we do now. It’s changing the center. We feel these things on a cellular level.


Mel: I sometimes want to react like the kids in my life and just scream about it. But I can’t because I’m an adult professional woman.

Sidney: Who says you can’t? At times like this, we are reduced to our least common denominator. And that can be a 6-year-old, or a 2-year-old, or whatever it is, because it's nuts.

Mel: Is scheduling a video call with a coworker to complain or commiserate healthy?

Sidney: It absolutely is a healthy coping mechanism. Because the truth is you have to get it out. If you were in your workspace, you would have been able to go and talk with your coworker, even for a few minutes, and get it out. And your coworker would be able to do that same thing with you. We don't realize how much we rely on that kind of contact to ground us.

Mel: How do we know if we’ve crossed a line? Become too obsessive about the little we can control? Are drinking too much?

Sidney: You have to know yourself well enough to know if you’ve lost it and rely on the feedback of others who know you well.


Mel: A lot of subscribers to The Cohort are in charge. They may have kids at home, and they’re also responsible for their teams. What advice do you have for women leaders during this time?

Sidney: Tell yourself as a leader: I have never worked under these circumstances before, and I am in totally foreign territory. You have to first recognize this. Write it down. You are a trailblazer.


Then, just remember to check in with your staff enough for them to know you care about them and what they’re doing.

Mel: Should we be worried that we’re transferring our work stress to our kids?

Sidney: I think it's important to be honest with our children about what's going on. It’s easy for mothers to feel guilty about not being able to remedy or fix whatever situation is in front of us.

Mel: I think that could apply to partners, too. Whatever roles had been established a month ago are warped and the effects compounded. What’s your advice for navigating changing relationship dynamics?

Sidney: You’ve got to name it and claim it. And give your partner permission to speak it out. It’s OK to say, “We do not know how to do this.” Try this framework:


It would help me if you could [fill in the blank.] Tell me what would be helpful to you that I could do.


Mel: What if the answer is “nothing”?

Sidney: Then just do something. Make coffee. Refill water glasses. Cook.


Mel: There are tons of resources out there for dealing with stress. What if those things are not enough?

Sidney: Do things that require you to change your focus. Learn something new. I’m teaching myself how to keep a cactus garden. What a metaphor!

Mel: You’ve been married to a journalist for 25 years, and your daughter is a social media producer for a local NBC affiliate. What have you learned as a therapist watching them and their colleagues?

Sidney: I think being a journalist is a calling. It’s crucial to know that what you’re doing is making a difference in order to be resilient to the trauma of the job. But it also leads to working 20 hours a day. It’s hard to stop.


So, set an alarm on your cell phone to get up and move around, to go eat, to change your focus so that you don’t burn out in the process.

And the story of burnout is that for people who are invested and really believe that what they’re doing matters, it's not that you burn out. It’s that you just flat get exhausted and worn out. It’s different. But there's got to be boundaries that you put in place to take care of yourself.

Mel: When I know that everyone is impacted by this but I don’t exactly know how, I struggle with basic salutations. A simple “thanks” doesn’t seem to do the trick. Do I write, “Hang in there?” “Keep breathing!” “Wear a mask?” What is your parting phrase?

Sidney: I can tell you what mine is: Be blessed.

And maybe one of the best prayers is just simply to say “help!” We don’t know what to do. We’re in uncharted territory. We’re pioneers.

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OPEN SOURCE
Speaking of pioneers, I turned to the women of Poynter for their sources of energy and inspiration during this WFH-era. Here’s what is powering us:

What’s the song getting you through right now?
Josie Hollingsworth, PolitiFact audience engagement editor: “Everyday People” by Sly and the Family Stone. It's got a great chorus and is truly a “make the best of it,” even silly song. (I mean … “scooby dooby dooby.”) It makes me think of my mom, who listened to it as her friends were getting drafted for the Vietnam War and things were sort of crumbling but also people were still making art and being good to one another.

Katie Sanders, PolitiFact managing editor: “Number One Fan” by MUNA. Builds self-confidence, super dance-y, with earworms all around. (“I'm gonna die alone in my bedroom?” Nah, it’s fine, go home, pandemic!!)

Katy Byron, MediaWise editor and program manager: “The Gummy Bear Song.” My son and I dance to this song in our kitchen at breakfast time at least once a week. It makes me laugh every time and he loves it. My husband thinks I/we are crazy but I'll do anything for a laugh right now.

Kristen Hare, Poynter local news reporter: I'm listening to a lot of the Beatles right now, and “Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da” is my new favorite.

Mel: “Wild World” by Cat Stevens, “I Think It's Going to Rain Today” by Nina Simone and “Have a Little Faith In Me” by John Hiatt. These songs give voice to this sense of loss and loneliness, but they’re still beautiful and hopeful. I also listened to them when I was a kid, and returning to them feels comforting.

Sara O’Brien, Poynter multimedia designer: I’ve been feeling nostalgic and listening to 2000s hip-hop that I used to love in college. Songs like Jay-Z’s “Dirt Off Your Shoulder” are reminding me to keep going despite the circumstances. Nelly’s “Hot In Herre” is speaking to me because I can’t leave my thermostat alone. And now Ciara is in my head when I go into the kitchen to find a snack, “Lookin’ for the goodies, keep on lookin’ ‘cause they stay in the jar.” If only Ciara, if only.


What’s the best coronavirus meme you've seen?
Cristina Tardáguila, International Fact-Checking Network associate director: I have actually started an anonymous Twitter account with a few friends to collect these! They are mainly in Portuguese ... But I LOVE these two: 1) “You have two choices
” / 2) “First meeting after isolation.”

What’s your biggest WFH fail?
Doris Truong, Poynter director of training and diversity: I got super-absorbed in a phone call (which I had taken while pacing my apartment) and missed multiple attempts to let me know that I was (quite) late to a meeting I had set up. Because punctuality is one of my usual strong suits, one meeting attendee was on the verge of contacting authorities to be sure nothing had happened.

What’s your go-to WFH snack?
Katie: My kitchen is small, so I had been keeping my bulky blender in downstairs storage. NO MORE. It's smoothie time!

What’s helping you stay focused?
Doris: After Week 1, I moved my makeshift workspace from my kitchen table to a console table in the middle of my living room. The better sense of visual organization is helpful. Also I established a routine of standing with my laptop unplugged and sitting when it needs a recharge.

Katy: Running outside, which I have started again after taking basically a 4-year hiatus other than the occasional jog. It's my best stress-reliever and mentally getting me through this.

What have you consumed lately that actually consumed you?
Cris: I decided to finally watch Game of Thrones! I never had time for it. So I started on season 1, episode 1. Now I am in season 4 and wishing really bad that Jon Snow dies. Will he?

Doris: “I Am Not Okay With This,” which I started on Netflix Party with a friend who was temporarily in Detroit. I quickly got hooked on the most appropriately named show of our time. Bonus points for the female protagonist and excellent soundtrack.

Katie: Harry. Potter. On. Audiobook. The narrator is *so* good. I found myself happily washing dishes and pushing for longer runs to keep the last two books going, even though I've read the series a few times. Shout-out to the library's Libby app for making this available to me fo' free.

What was the last thing you actually savored?
Kristen: My husband and I broke down and got a trampoline for our kids for the backyard. When I'm feeling particularly coiled up, I go out and have a bounce and it feels fantastic.

Mel: I'm savoring the proud moments when I connect with my partner's son (and new roommate!). I taught him how to successfully ride a bike on our street, pitch a tent in the backyard, and wash his hands for 20 full seconds.

Wendy Wallace, Poynter director of advancement: After a bike ride and 6-foot-safe walk with a friend this morning, I savored a cappuccino with almond milk in a rocker on the deserted front porch of a resort hotel on St. Petersburg's waterfront.

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COHORT IN CONVERSATION
By Mel Grau

If you want to dive deeper into the coping strategies I talked about with Sidney, I highly recommend Brené Brown’s relatable new podcast, “Unlocking Us.” It is based on years of Brown’s social science research, but created with the coronavirus in mind. Here are a few other resources worth checking out:

The Carter Center’s mental health resource page
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Journalism Relief Fund
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from the International Women’s Media Foundation
Poynter’s COVID-19 resource page
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What do you want from The Cohort in the next month? A break? A distraction? Leadership tips? Please reply to this email to let me know. We’re all in this together, friends.

Let’s keep going,

Mel

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