Friend, 

Honestly, we’re a little sad that the primaries are basically over. It was fun watching Trump lose hundreds of thousands of votes week after week to candidates who had no shot from the get-go. But then we reminded ourselves of something coming up that has the potential to be just as embarrassing for our least favorite spray tanned lunatic.

Any day now, The Donald is expected to announce his running mate. We’re surprised there are people out there who actually want the job. Did everybody just forget that he tried to hang his last one? Nevertheless, there are plenty of morons on Trump’s shortlist who would love to stand by him through his trials, fundless campaign, and unhinged rallies:

Kristi Noem- The Governor of South Dakota who famously refused to institute a mask mandate at the peak of Covid-19. Also on her rap sheet, a failed extremist abortion ban, accepting campaign money from a convicted murderer, and most recently, posting a homemade infomercial for a Texas dentist after getting her teeth “fixed”. If she’s into bad sales pitches, she could be the perfect pick for Trump's sidekick. She’d probably be Corey Lewandowski’s pick.

Tim Scott- He led one of the least exciting presidential campaigns in US history. But hey, it was still plenty weird. He spent most of his time on the campaign trail bragging about how he did, in fact, have a girlfriend and talking about how surviving on welfare was harder for black Americans than slavery. Even though they were competitors, Trump never gave him a nickname. Was that just leaving him out or planning for the future?

Elise Stefanik- Where to start with the GOP’s most nakedly opportunistic Trumpophile? When Trump was weak, she was very briefly off the Trump train, but like everyone else, she quickly changed her mind and now can’t stop talking about the orange messiah. These days, she’s calling the January 6th insurrectionists “hostages”, still talking about how the 2020 election was “stolen”, and trying to reverse Trump’s impeachments to “rewrite history”. She’s like the daughter he’d replace Eric with.

Marco Rubio- Little Marco! Boy, would this be a reunion for the ages. We can’t believe Donnie is considering the guy who exposed his tiny hands, but here we are. These two loved to sling schoolyard insults at each other back in 2016, touching on everything from ear size to profuse sweating. But lately, it seems like they have something of a bromance. Funny how things change like that. Can you imagine what’s running through Little Marco’s mind? We can’t either.

The bottom line? None of these fools belong in the Vice President’s seat. They’re spineless, weak, and under qualified. They bring nothing to the table. Any one of them is an embarrassing pick. But hey, we’re hoping none of this matters. If Trump wins, they win too. But if Trump loses, America wins. Help us secure a win for America>>

-The Lincoln Project