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Conversation can be great communication – when it’s done the right way. Yet, how many times have you found yourself engaged in what you think is a conversation – but really turns out to be just the two of you talking past each other. Neither really connecting. Each of you trying to convince the other that you are right – or that your recommendation is the only way forward.
When this happens, here’s a simple phrase that can often change the dynamic and cut through to create real communication. With deep earnest feeling, say ‘Well then, what do you suggest?’ And really mean it. Express a sincere interest in learning what the other person is saying, what they are thinking; and even trying to understand why – in other words, the motivations and values that underpin their position. When you try this approach, don’t be surprised if the other person is momentarily taken off guard, then collects himself – with the knowledge that you will truly be listening. And when this happens, the stage is set for genuine two-way communication.
A little over four years ago, two political scientists came up with an experiment they wanted to test out. A year away from another presidential election they wanted to see what happens when you put a diverse group of people in a room and let them discuss their opinions. These two political scientists named James Fishkin and Larry Diamond believed that the echo chamber of social media permits us to not listen at all, and that division is more a perception than a reality. When we’re face to face with those with whom we disagree, we’re likely to talk less and listen a little more. It was done as a test to see how people actually feel, when they’re not dependent on sound bites from 24-hour news cycles and surrounded only by people with whom they agree or share something in common. So the political scientists partnered with a nonpartisan group and a few research teams from the University of Chicago to raise the money necessary to invite a whopping 526 people from a across the United States and with a diverse set of backgrounds, to an all-expense paid trip to Dallas to give their opinions.
It took a few weeks, but eventually it all came together. Everyone arrived in Dallas almost four years ago to the day. You had 9 people named John, 10 people who identified as living in a trailer park, 13 who identified as wealthy, 27 who identified as extremely conservative, 30 who identified as extremely liberal. This gives you some idea of what they were going for. And, so over the course of three days, this group of Americans broke out into small discussion groups and debated topics from foreign policy to health care, immigration, the economy and the environment. As I’m sure you can imagine, it was a bit of a shock for all involved. Many groups were pretty silent to start, and even some arguing. Yet as James Fishkin put it to the group upon arrival, “We’re not here to talk like policy wonks, we’re to share our life experience. When we share our stories, we too are making an argument for something.” One woman shared a story about how a piece of controversial policy kept her dad alive after a cancer diagnosis, while a man in the same group said it had cost him a lot of money. Their group laughed when another participant stated, “Well now I can’t argue because of what your dad dealt with.” As the weekend went on, debates were had, and there were disagreements, but what the event organizers noticed is that everyone was listening. Participants were surveyed throughout the weekend and an overwhelming majority said they were shocked to find as much common ground as they did.
On the third and final day of the event, the organizers took note of a 24-year-old African-American man who was a cashier from Michigan, laughing and having conversation with three 70-something white men in his group. In another instance, they observed a 69-year-old retired nurse from Atlanta buy a drink for a woman she’d just met from San Antonio, who was turning 35 that day. There were pairings you may never have imagined anywhere else. And ultimately, it all came through listening a little bit better. As one woman put it, “I don’t think the purpose of this conference was to change people’s minds. I think the purpose of this conference was to get people to accept each other’s points of view in a civil manner.”
So, next the time you’re in a conversation, take a moment to listen. Reach out and ask the other person, what are you thinking? What do you suggest? Really mean what you’re saying – and then listen with purpose and intent. In so doing, I think you’ll find a warmth and satisfaction – as well as a sense that you are truly communicating!
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