[Eyes popping out of their sockets]
 

• Folks, this is the big one. The Justice Department unsealed an indictment on Friday charging disgraced former president Donald Trump with 37(!!!) federal felony counts resulting from its investigation of his illegal retention (read: theft) of classified documents after he left office. That’s 31 counts related to withholding national defense information, five counts related to concealing possession of classified documents, and two counts of making false statements to the FBI. Trump’s aide Walt Nauta, whom prosecutors allege lied to investigators when he was interviewed by the FBI in May 2022, has also been indicted. 
   

• Prosecutors led by Special Counsel Jack Smith allege that Trump arranged to remove scores of highly sensitive classified documents to his private residence at Mar-a-Lago when he left the White House in January 2021. Many of the documents consist of intelligence about the “defense and weapons capabilities” of the United States as well as foreign countries. According to the indictment, Trump instructed his aides to stash those classified documents in boxes that also included his personal items, and ordered for them to be shipped to Mar-a-Lago at the end of his term. It seems that Trump has been recorded admitting that he did not actually declassify the classified documents he took, which was, you know, his most-repeated public defense once he was caught with them. 
   

• The indictment also states that on at least two occasions, Trump showed classified records to visitors (none of whom had security clearances, if you can believe it) at his Bedminster, NJ, golf club.  One of those instances involved him showing the map of a military operation to a representative of his political committee. The unsealed indictment points to numerous occasions when Trump just sort of…openly admitted to various people that he was keeping classified documents in his possession and ambling around the grounds of his estates like, “Oops I just knocked over another box of national secrets.” The photos from the indictment are hilariously damning, showing dozens of boxes stored in bathrooms, a public ballroom, and random ancillary storage rooms at Mar-a-Lago.

The legal process resulting from this indictment will be thorny and, because Trump is at the center of it, a media circus. 
 

• Jack Smith made an extremely brief statement to the press on Friday in which he laid out a basic summary: that the former president had been indicted for “felony violation of our national-security laws, as well as conspiracy to obstruct justice,” and stressed the scope and the gravity of the crimes. He delivered some expected lines like “We have one set of laws in this country, and they apply to everyone,” that his prosecutors “hew[ed] to the highest ethical standards,” and nodded to the idea that “Adherence to the rule of law is a bedrock principle” of this country. He ended his statement by saying, “It is very important for me to note that the defendants in this case must be presumed innocent until proven guilty beyond a reasonable doubt in a court of law. To that end, my office will seek a speedy trial in this matter consistent with the public interest and the rights of the accused.”

• A “speedy trial” will be necessary, indeed, because time is tight. Two of Trump’s top lawyers in the case, James Trusty and John Rowley, announced their resignation from the former president’s legal team in the wake of the indictment. Meanwhile, Trump's unhinged GOP allies are already lining up behind him saying really cool, normal stuff, like “We have now reached a war phase. Eye for an eye.”  Even if Republicans weren’t fomenting violence, there’s also an election in a year and a half. Unfortunately, for now at least, the case has been assigned to Trump-appointee Aileen Cannon (remember her?) and if she wants to drag this out long enough to see if Trump can win the election and pardon himself, she probably can. The drumbeat for her to recuse herself should begin…now.

Former U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson has stepped down as a member of parliament, effective immediately, in the midst of an ongoing investigation of his alleged non-compliance with COVID rules and guidance while he was Prime Minister, and lying to parliament about it. 

Saudi Arabia’s Crown Prince Mohammed bin Salman privately threatened to sever ties with the United States and impose steep economic consequences if the White House retaliated against the Saudi government’s decision to slash oil production. A client state! (The United States, I mean.)

The United States Department of Energy announced on Friday that it will purchase another 3.1 million barrels of oil for the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserve, on top of the previously-announced three million barrels already purchased as part of President Biden’s oil “replenishment strategy.” 

Apologies in advance for the following sentence which gets more horrifying with every word: A professor of molecular biology and immunology reported that an unidentified person in Ohio is shedding large amounts of a new kind of COVID into the sewage. 

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Oh, I’m sorry, is Donald Trump being federally indicted on 37 felony counts not enough good news for you?

Well, okay then.

The House Ethics Committee quietly restarted an investigation into Rep. Matt Gaetz (R-FL).