Just in case you weren’t worried enough, we are only weeks away from economic catastrophe.

• The U.S. is projected to default on its debts as early as June 1. President Biden says to raise the debt limit, which solved everything the last 78 times we did it. But House Speaker Kevin McCarthy keeps saying “over my [garbled aphasia]” unless Democrats agree to enact far-right Republican spending cuts. Talks so far have remained behind the scenes, but we are assured that their mouths are moving and their hands are gesticulating wildly. Treasury Secretary Janet Yellen is planning to meet with top Wall Street bankers next week, which is sure to be a giant waste of time. 
   
• Since the talks are behind closed doors we can only speculate as to what their big old brains are thinking. Publicly, there have been many options discussed from the very likely (raising the debt ceiling again—it's what we do) to the not likely (trillion-dollar coin, anyone?). In between, there’s discussion of Biden invoking the 14th Amendment, also known as “America’s most confusing amendment.” It’s essentially an equal-rights amendment enacted during Reconstruction, and in this case, it means that you can’t question the validity of the public debt, calling into question whether a statutory debt limit is even constitutional. 
   
• Last week House Democrats started laying the groundwork for a discharge petition that would, if successful, force a House floor vote on a clean debt-limit increase bill over the objections of the majority-party leadership. If it’s enough to make you throw your hands in the air and say “I don’t care anymore! Congress can go to hell!” then you will find sympathy with at least one House member. Rep Abigail Spanberger (D-VA) has proposed that we simply stop paying Congress until the problem is fixed. Can we vote on that? (Alas, that is also probably unconstitutional 🙁)

Ok, so that is how it is playing out in the political theater of Washington, but what does all of this really mean for you and your Velcro wallet?

• Well, the first thing to know is that the poorest people and places the country will be fucked first. That’s probably where the 14th Amendment is intended to kick in. Social Security payments could be delayed and many other government payments could also be affected, including funding for food stamps, Medicaid, and Medicare. What’s more, over two-million federal civilian workers and around 1.4 million active-duty military members could see their paychecks delayed. 
   
• This is a DEFINITE problem considering we already know that two-thirds of the country couldn’t handle a $400 emergency. It also puts home ownership further out of reach and those in debt will experience higher interest rates, plunging them further into debt. But can we circle back to not paying Congress again before any of this happens? That was a really good idea. 

Crooked Coffee’s always-sold-out Cold Brewer is back in stock – just in time for summer. The Cold Brewer is an easy way to make delicious cold brew at home, so you don’t have to leave the house or pay $7 to get your caffeine fix. It’s like having a fancy cafe in your fridge, but you never have to fight anyone for an outlet.

These always sell out, so grab yours today at Crooked.com/store. 

Serbia has joined a growing list of countries responding to mass shootings by *GASP* getting rid of guns. After two recent mass shootings in the country which saw 16 citizens murdered, the country has already started implementing its reforms this week. Six-thousand guns, 300,000 rounds of ammunition, and nearly 500 explosive devices have been handed over in an amnesty designed to disarm the country. This is a quick response when compared to the U.S. for sure, but what took them so long? The U.K., Australia, New Zealand, and Finland all started restricting assault weapons after just one mass shooting.

And, yes, Serbia has a serious gun culture. Serbia is among the most heavily armed countries in the world due largely to the conflicts in the former Yugoslavia in the 1990s. It actually has the third-highest rate of civilian gun ownership per capita in the world, at 39 guns for every 100 citizens. That’s a lot—but less than a third of the 120 guns per 100 citizens that the U.S. can boast. U.S.A! U.S.A! But amnesty isn’t the only new gun-control policy. This month Serbia enacted a two-year moratorium on new permits for handguns and hunting weapons. It also promises to review all existing permits within three months, reduce the number of small firearms by 20 percent, and institute medical, psychiatric, and drug tests on those who hold permits.

• George Santos has confessed to stealing checks in an effort to reach a plea deal. No, not for that indictment, this is for the one in Brazil where he also faces charges. 
   
• Get out of the way, WGA, the pilots union needs the sidewalks for its own picket lines. Pilots for United Airlines, who haven’t received a raise in four years, marched in picket lines in major airports Friday but are unlikely to strike.
   
• The new “No Labels” party finally gets a label as it comes under fire for registering voters who mistakenly believed they were just signing a petition. Label this party DOA.
   
• Olive Oil is the latest victim of climate change. Olive harvests are suffering from drought threatening to raise the price of a kitchen staple. (And TikTok isn't helping either.)
   
• CNN defended its decision to let Trump piss all over them. The network rivals only Bud Light in its understanding of its base. 
   
• Texas just made it easier for unlicensed chaplains to infiltrate schools and, some fear, religiously indoctrinate students.
   
• The hours-long mystery is over. The new Twitter CEO is Linda Yaccarino, former NBCUniversal ad chief. Congratulations to Elon Musk for getting two days of headlines out of one news story.
   
• They should have filled them up with lead (gently) but the two professional fishermen caught filling fish with lead weights in last year’s viral video receive 10 days in jail and forfeiture of a $100,000 boat.
   
• Disney darling Jimmie Allen is being sued by his former manager who alleges a history of sexual assault. His label has already dropped him, just like his wife did a month ago. That’s not a good sign for his defense. 
   
• Los Angeles Mayor Karen Bass wants to move the needle on housing the unhoused by buying a 15-story hotel and getting people off of the streets.

South Korea is leading the way in the rise of “no-kid zones” in formerly family-friendly restaurants, museums, airlines, and libraries. These are separate from places like nightclubs where children are legally barred. The label refers to children under 13 years of age. These zones have no legal basis but have increased since their introduction in 2014. They’ve even spawned other popular restrictions such as “no-youth zones,” which bar entrance to middle and high schoolers, and even “no-tuber zones” to deter people from making content inside certain businesses, which could disturb other patrons. 

The initial “no-kid zones” are still the most popular and were a response to parents who refused to restrain their kids from running and screaming in public, damaging property, and those who would change their baby’s diapers in restaurants. Surveys have shown that the majority of the population is in favor of these zones, although Korean politicians have been trying to outlaw them. If you’re salivating at the thought of dining free of screaming children where you are, you’re in luck, because parts of the U.S. have them too. And so do the U.K., Canada, and Germany. If climate change wasn’t enough reason to rethink having kids, not being able to eat out just might push people over the edge.

The oldest ever dog just turned 31 years old. Move over Dianne Feinstein.

Finally, a YouTuber gets what’s coming to him. Man who crashed plane for views agrees to plea deal. No word on if the stunt took place in a “no tube zone.” 

It’s been 100 years since the Seine River in Paris has been swimmable, but they say that will change by the 2024 Olympics. Even when it’s clean though, you should probably try to avoid the boats.