Democrats,
Look - I know I’ve lied a few times. Well, they’re more so ‘misunderstandings’ if you ask me… like the time I wrote on my alias’s Wikipedia page that I had prominent roles on Hannah Montana and The Suite Life of Zack and Cody. Or even that time when I pocketed the money raised to help a disabled vet afford surgery for his dog with cancer… I actually had really good excuses for why I needed that money more than that dog! Or even that time I said I was a producer for the Broadway musical, “Spider-Man: Turn Off the Dark” or being a volleyball super star.
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The point is: I’m facing 13 federal charges now, including wire fraud, money laundering, making materially false statements to the House of Representatives, and MUCH more, which is likely to lead me to federal prison– especially since everybody seems to be conspiring against me when I’m definitely innocent. Simply put, I’m toast.
I’ve never been to prison before, and I need your help to survive. Can you help me raise money to buy essentials in the prison commissary? After receiving an Academy Award for producing Shawshank Redemption, I know firsthand how tough it’s going to be in the joint. I am going to need soap to clean up my act. I’m also going to need a pickaxe, a shovel, and a poster; not for a tunnel or anything like that. DPNM has kindly offered to sponsor my prison essentials while I’m behind bars. Make a donation to DPNM so they can help me survive my well-earned time in prison.
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Thank you, President George Santos
P.S. All joking aside, this is the state of the Republican Party right now. Their main candidate for President was found liable for sexual abuse, Speaker McCarthy was too spineless to stand up to George Santos, and Republicans are willing to put our country into an economic catastrophe just to undermine President Biden’s accomplishments. We need your help more than ever to take on Republicans like George Santos up and down the ticket. -Team DPNM
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